A little too much truth and a sip of enlightment

Its like this.
I drive, I drive a long way, a long and hard way, and I see a tiny wall coming towards me, the wall grows bigger, and bigger, until fuckingBAM, and I hit it.
Even thou I've seen the wall miles away, I still hit it. People get hurt, unnecessary things are said, emotion runs over and logic just left the building.
I do this because .. I got no fucking idea. Maybe I seek excitement, to see if the person is really there, if he/she cares still. And maybe I'm just fucking out of my mind, do it because it lacks logic.
But lets take a second, why would someone start something completely without logic, without sense? To release emotion? To make the other person get x emotion? To feel alive? Maybe all of it? Wish people came with a manual. And a map.
I always tend to hit the walls, and instead of taking the car to the shop, I backup the car, maybe hit the wall once or twice again, and then turn around and go back. (I'm sorry to intervene but this is the fucking greatest example I've ever given, and I don't give alot.) Instead of going around the bloody wall.
As said, maybe I do it to see if I'm alive. I'm in a very strange place in life, which involves no money, lots of alcohol, lots of cigarettes, less time with Q, less time with my family and sleep. Yet I feel tired in my head for running around with different thoughts, no wonder things feel strange.
People are so surprised when I say I'm tired, they don't get that a unemployed, 19 year old girl gets tired, seriously how can they not? I'm fucking unemployed, broke! That should be the most stressful, tiredest time! It eats me and I can't do anything to speed up the process.
I'm tired of the drinking, I want a change in some things. Some things I really want to stay with me. Like Q. He's probably the one thing right now that makes any form of stability, security, love for me. Everything else is just chaos. And yet, the one thing I feel the most and best for, I try and screw up. I don't make life easier. But I'm going to try, I got some words today, just about 30mins ago, that i truly heard, that I didn't understand until now, somethings that I've thought ware wrong, ware so right. How could I've gotten it so wrong? How the hell did it come to me believing in this? Life is for the explorer, to the unstoppable, to the lovers. and the ones that never give up.