It's me again

xoxo

2009-09-09T11:15:00.001+02:00

To much bad things in this blogg, to dark and not what I need atm :)
So I made a new one. Write to me if you want it!

Goodbye past.

August

2009-08-09T09:17:00.002+02:00

So, I'm 20 now. Kinda thrilled about it. My birthday was one of the best ones ever, much better than last year when I was all alone. My family really busted their ass to make me feel special. The morning started with Champangebreakfast and some spa, anyone who knows me knows that a day starting with that is a bloody perfect day.
After lots of chilling and relaxing we jumped into the car and drove to a unknown destination, atleast for me.
But I kinda got it when we drove towards Helsingör! Took the boat over, I got like panic onboard when I saw a hole box beer costed like 18 euros! And thats cheapo!
We ate at a cosy restaurant and strutted around, bought myself a Jägermeister ofcourse.
On the ride home there was a insanly long line when we hitted Löddeköping, think it was a horsecarage that had flipped over. So ofcourse we ware late, Dag had booked me from 6 so felt kinda bad there.
But there was no hard faces, when I got home I got a bouquet flowers and a kiss, we drove yet again to a unknown destination, turned out to be Mando. Was'nt to thrilled bout the place, everyone keeps saying it's kickass, was alright.
Went to my parents, picked up my stuff since I'd spent the night there, and went home.
At home I got showerd with gifts, bracelet, neckless, he knows what I liiike :).

That was some great things. Now for the not so great.
14 days ago I called 911 because of my dizzyness, vomiting and that I had low bloodsuger and felt the panic creeping. They asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital, I said no since I always think I can do it by myself.
It went away.
But this thursday I got dizzy on and off during the day. And by the time the clock had striked 8 it got really bad. Dag left Lexton for me and came back and I've already called mum and we headed out for the hospital. After much testing and so on, I got admitted into the hospital.
I stayed for 2 days, feeling lite shit, not eating, vomiting.
Turn out, I have a infection on my balance nerves.
The treatment sucks, I have to by myself train my balance up again, by doing different excersises. No medication or anything, good ol fashion.

Wowi

2009-07-28T15:05:00.002+02:00

And later became almost 3 weeks, oh well!
Phew, just came home from being in town with Josefine, took us 3h but we did it and I came home with nothing, as usual! It's ok still waiting for my stuff to come in the mail, been shoping online for my b-day party!
And yeah, its my b-day in a week! I really look forward to turning 20, kinda huge! Not sure whats gonna happy on the tuesday thou, but the party is on saturday! I hooked it up with Dag since he turn 25 on the 14th so 2 huge families and 70 people to entertain, now THATs gonna be fun! Tbh, my first big party, it's gonna be a blast.
Still a while until that, first work, and lots of it. But looking forward to getting paaaaid!

Oh well, off for now!
Hugfs

yeye

2009-07-01T09:00:00.002+02:00

Its so freakin hot .. Nah, not hot .. Just no air, I can't stand it.

Lucky for me, I'm going to Oslo on friday MAHA!

Gonna write more later since .. its to hot to do anything but whine.

They did nothing.

2009-06-14T18:24:00.003+02:00

My saturday, the 6th, was really awful. I came home to my parents after eating a kickass dinner with my mother and my boyfriend and it doesnt take long before hell breaks lose.
I pass out, my pulse drops to nonexisting, my breathing stops and I come back to life after a few seconds. But I pass out one more time, in the mean time Dag calls the ambulanse and they rush thru the town to help me.
When they come I had woken yet again but started to hyperventilate, cry and panic. They take my bloodsugar to see so its not diabetesrelated. Since all Dag can say is "She's a diabetic!!!", it was really cute, but unrelivant at that time.
The ambulanse people establish that; "Oh fuck, let's take her in."
Well no shit.
The ride thru town is a huge blurr, but well at the ER they push the maxdose on morfine in me, and other stuff that could tranquilize a elephant.
But I don't stop.
And I lay there for up towards 6hours, pumped, hyperventilating and the ER establish that; "Ohhh shit, we don't know what this is, so we send you away from us so you stop being out problem! Yey for us!"
They send me to the psykwards where the doc doesnt get why I'm there because I'm clear in my head and it's really unnecessary for me to be in his office.
After that I colapse and stop hyperventilate from shere exhaustion.
Not from the drogs, not from the doctors, from exhaustion.
They did nothing.

Yey for Swedish healthcare sometimes.
But there was one of the nurses there, who was a real rock, I can't remember what she looked like, what her name was, but yeeses did she help me just by beeing there and talking to me.

These past days have been really rough and I feel like shit.
I hope everything gets better soon.
Called the hospital bout my former broken wrist aswell, the surgery isnt gonna happen any time soon, tops 2months maybe.

Oh well.
So life goes on ..

Natural Born Leader

2009-06-03T17:25:00.002+02:00

Omg, the good comments just keep rolling in, not about how I do in school and my grades, but how I AM as a person, it's just such a booster I'm gonna start laughing and crying.
This time it was my Active Democracy teacher (n yes that is a ligit class and cours), he told me my grade and said that I was such a greater leader, I can make people do what I want (in a good way), make them see what's good, explain things so everyone gets it and that's seriously (he said) a good quality in a human beeing. He was specially impressed of my leading skills.
Thou he was curious of why I don't take more place, show myself and how smart I am more.
I explained that thats something that has been coming more and more, that I wanted to make room for others to shine and learn, I don't want to step on anyones toes.
He almost got angry telling me that I needed to do that to achieve some steps in life, was really interesting talking to him. This past term I've been really looking up to him, enjoying his classes and his intelligence, for him to say that to me, it was really cool.
And plus, I got kickass grade from him.

YUMMI

2009-06-02T18:10:00.003+02:00

Time for one of those long updates again I guess!
Still, I'm gonna try and keep it short . . . .

The last week, between monday and wednesday I was at the hospital. No worries, it was a kind of course, talking about diabetes. It was really the best thing that's happend in a while, when it comes to me and my health.
3 days me and 8 other people sat listening to doctors, nurses, nutritionist, psychologist and even top researcher!
I was the youngest of them all, and yet the one who have had the longest relationship with the illness.
Lots of good things really happend, but to keep it short I got new improved means, loads of guide and tips.
And I even got to know how I got diabetes, which is a hole new discovery, and I'm going to tell you some other time.
I'm really doing what I've wanted to do the last year or so, I'm starting to feel so much fresher and alert, it's really amazing. Who would have known that I could eat knekkebroot!
The nurses there ware really taking care of me, since I've transfered from the kiddies division to adult I've kinda slipped between chairs and was lost in the archivies. I hav'nt done the routine cheak-ups so they really, no kidding, threw me out of the room to go and do them, they felt sorry for the position I was in. All better now thou!

The past weeks been really stressful, like always, everything is pushed to the end and I got alot of school to take care of, but then again, it all ends tomorrow!
And it is worth it, I've applyed for the university here in Malmo, and in Lund, so let's see where I end up. My grade is looking awfly good with all the VG-MVGs I've gotten from Komvux ;).

Funny thing happend today, did the last thing for my English class and afterwards when I talked to my teacher about my grade she asked me what I was planning on doing to the fall.
Told her I was going to the university and that I've applyed for 3 things.
Anyway, my 3d option which is just something I took because I had a sudden rush for it, is a english teacher for the upper highschool students.
She said that I was one of the most talented english students she's seen in a while and that I had every characteristic that a good teacher needs, and that Sweden really needed more of those. I got really flattered.
Btw, not telling a soul what my first two desires are for the university apply, lets just see how far it goes ;).

Gonna continue studying for the last exam and sip on my beer.
See ya laters.

Still blahflagh

2009-05-06T08:51:00.002+02:00

Who ever knows what the future holds?
Everyday you make decisions that change your life, some are good and some are bad, but they are still changes.
I've lived for soon 20 years, who knows that on that particular period of time how many bad moves I've made, how many bad decisions. Who knows of what would have happend if I stayed with my first ex? Can speculate thru it but never know. Now when I look back a few years I see that it was a good move, I got to know a guy who changed me (<- change, good or bad). Thing is, right now, that was just a move. Let's see if it ware for the better, wierd thing about this is that I feel less interesting in the ripples I got, than his.
I just hope I'm not like that stupid dog I see all the time, running in circles around everyone at all times.

Bah, dont even know what I wrote there, I'm so tired.
School is 4 weeks more, I work on a daily basis atm, I push my family because my dads got the pigthing, my mom is depressed and my bro is just .. dont. Can't even relive the moment in my head when I saw him.
I'm not even sure I want this job for the next 5 months, 8h a day for a hole summer. From the exact day my school ends, the job starts. I might be looking at too much.

Updatimentues

2009-05-03T21:13:00.002+02:00

Tuesday went beyond what I could have imagine. People that was back-stabing, messing with each other, making lives miserable ware getting along. I told the group that teamwork was the key and that we needed to get along to make this work, and since I was the leader of this group I was going to make damn sure that was going to happen.
It was a complete success, I was coaching and pushing, making me kinda rethink what I was doing, but thats another story. The day was as said, a complete success, this was the most fun I've had in a long while, we hade a barbecue with about 500 sausages, lots of people to serve and we laughed the hole time.
After the clean up, we all felt we owed it to ourself to go and get drunk and that is exactly what we did. Had a hungover for 2 days, but totaly worth it.

I never thought buying a apartment would be such trouble, it takes forever, everything has to be checked and rechecked over and over again. But its worth it in the end. I'm moving back to my old block with a positive attitude. And everything feels great, a new home with a new feeling to it.

Love is thrusting and spring affects everyone. Dag and I keep building new foundations, new values and new ways to make each other happy. I've been waiting for something like this for a long time, and it's exactly what I need right now atleast.
A commitment with no boundaries, no pressure and most of all the exact freedome I need and still the precise amount of affection and love. And the great sex ofcourse.

About the near future, I'm being interviewed for a important job on wednesday, that could determent how my next few years look like. It's this kickass job for a company I really want to work for, Tele2. It has tremendous opportunities for further development, without a real edjucation (with that I mean university or any college of higher learning) become a project manager, key account manager, teamleader and who knows, might even go further.
And it's such a good pay, like I-can-buy-my-dream-camera-3-times-over good pay.

Let's see how it goes, don't know If I want to cross my fingers just yet, I was'nt quite ready for a dreamjob to pop up so soon.

Oh my dear god.

2009-04-22T10:12:00.002+02:00

I'm so seriously sick of people seeking drama, it gets too much, isnt your life that excited aleady? I feel sorry for you, that you need to drag down a group filled with good people just because you feel this and that.
I'm currently in this campaign group for this cultureday on my school, I'm the Chairwoman and I love the part I'm playing. But there is this villain with her sidekick that is determant to drag not only me but the hole team down by spreading lies about indulgence and idleness. Because she doesnt understand the part she's playing she has to go running to the teacher, risk everyones (that isnt her) grade and just trashtalk. We have clearly helpt her understand what she is suppost to do, she hasnt had any questions or doubt, so how does that become our fault? If we feel she gets it, she shows she gets it, how are we suppost to walk into her mind and find out the truth?
I'm not feeling the fact that people go behind my back, ranting about stuff that arent true and trying to stab the group in the back. If she made it personal, and went tadeling on me, that would have been different, she wouldnt punish the group, I could take that. Right now I couldnt care less about this grade, I was thinking jumping off now, but 5 weeks to go and it's foolish. Let's see where this takes us. She made the teacher write a long letter to the hooole class and today he's gonna sit down with us and talk about rights and wrongs, active or not, responsibillity,
and this has never felt more like kindergarden.

Yaosa

2009-04-12T23:15:00.002+02:00

There's no greater feeling in the world then being inlove. I admire people that say they still have a part of that new fresh in-love-feeling after 1, 2, even 10 years.
I go thru variouse peoples blogs everyday, and just read that again, reminding me of how beautiful it truly is, I'm happy for people that get out of bad relationships and move on. The fact that if the one they meet afterwards is the perfect one is just a bonus in my eyes, a great one at that.
Everyday, probobly every second someone in the world is making a mistake, it's human and shouldnt pay too much attention if that mistake doesnt include breaking a social code, law or norm that is.

I have had a wonderful weekend, I am truly happy that I have a man like Dag.
I don't feel too well, I'm in pain all the time (my wrist and such), I'm stressed and I have to much plans. When it gets too much he helps a lot.
Oh well. Kinda tired atm, so wish you a good night.

Happy Easter

2009-04-10T11:17:00.003+02:00

And I'm sick again. What's up with my immunsystem? It compleatly sucks.
It's spring and the sun is shining and I want to die because of all this physical shit thats happening.
Upside is I play wow while I'm inside, all the time. I've found a new spark really.
I knew I should have levled a pally a long time ago, broken my ass, blindly listening to the man you loved isnt always the right thing. I compleatly love it ..
And well, I knew I should have gone horde a long time ago.
Those that have characters on both side often say there's no difference, hasnt payed good enough attention.

For the swedes who read my blogg, take a peek at my best friends blogg, her lastest post, kinda cool. http://jooozie.blogg.se/ .
I love to see people shine.

Well, off to play easter with the family.

Space

2009-04-06T11:40:00.002+02:00

Boy be carefull what you wish for, cause you might get that and so much more.
In the closet where my clothes should be,
In that empty bed without me,
Now I'm walking out the front door.
You got exactly what you asked for: Space
In your phone where it said my name
You can't have youre cake and eat it.

Så kom för helvete inte och whina.
Clean up your mess and your life,
you got the space for it now.

----

If we let that go for a while, since I'm pissed.
Was at the doctor today, I'm having surgery in 1-5 weeks.
Think of me.
Sharing more later.
Peace out.

Read or dont read, I'm still dreaming

2009-04-05T08:57:00.002+02:00

I just now, and I swear it, had the most horrible yet interesting dream ever, or well, I consider it a nightmare.
I just woke up right now (this is'nt the dream) and last night I had a slight fight with my boyfriend, a small one, ware drunk and so on, I usually get pissy over small things and start arguments. But what ever, I tell you this because I think that's one of the reasons I dreamt this.
I'm really freaking out, it was a really together, welldreamt dream. No pink elephants running around or what ever normal people dream about.
The italics is the dream, rest just comments.

Can't remember just how it started, but I remember a house, kinda runned down with lots of rooms, two floors atleast. Lots of beds for some reason. On the outside it looked like my grandma's house (Spoke to them today for a long while aswell).
Everyone who knows me, knows that I see alot of horror movies, It's come to be called even a addiction since it's kinda hurting me and giving me pleasure at the same time. And everyone knows I don't go anywhere without my phone and some other stuff in my pockets.
Suddenly I was inside this house, going thru these rooms, and I see a person, or the shape of a person, and he see's me, he starts to chase me, and after a small time of chasing , where I was looking for a escape, we stop in one of the rooms, I lay down on one of the beds, and he tries to seduce me, I don't resist and he tries to pleasure me (No joke). I say nothing, don't strugle, he's not good at it, and after like a few minutes I break loose and starts running around for the exit, I see a balcone and run out on it, we are on the second floor and I jump.
I run around and theres a hill and a small house right next to the house I just jumped out of, it's raining and really gushing down, and I see my grandparents thru a big window, crying.
I run inside to them and screaming for help, but they don't see me, not in the meaning that they don't care, they can't see me. My grandparents ware there, my mother and father, brother, most of the family. My granparents ware in the kitchen, walking about, very sad, I desperatly want they to see me, I need help. They walk to the other room where the rest of the family is around a big squared table. There I shout and cry and scream for them to see me, lots of crying. And when I'm about to give up I scream one last time: Why dont you see me? And my mother answers: We can see you now, and she smiles at me.
This is the part that gets freaky in the dream, I don't skip anything that I remember, my dreams arent usually this get together, logical and understandable, but not in together in the hole context.
My father comes up to me with 2-3 pieces of paper, gives them to me to read. I go thru them, not understanding what's going on, and I see this line where it says like: Declared with schizofrenia. And in my dream I get hazy and stop listening to what they are telling me, asking myself if the big house was a illusion and whats what. I ask for my jacket, for my phone and my things, I want to call my boyfriend Dag, because he is'nt there with my family. My jacket hangs in a hallway leading outside again, I go thru my pocket, grabbing not only the phone I own IRL at the moment, but a old phone of mine. Both batteries are dead. I run outside, up to another house which in the dream feels like home.
Dont remember in the dream If I call him or not on my homephone but..
In the next moment I get into his car (thou not the same car as he owns IRL), we talk alot, we tell each other that we love eachother, lots of talking. And when we cruise thru Malmö, I notice that lots have changed and I joke and say something like: Wow, for how long was I out of it?, this is the part where it gets sad, Dag replys: 2 years.
Instantly I get a wierd feeling in my stomach, not realizing he is being real about it. I rain questions on him, asking him first tons questions about me and what happend. When I calm down I say: You actually stood by my side for 2 years, not leaving me even if things ware this bad. He looks at me, smiling (like he always does IRL) saying: Ofcourse, you know I would, I love you.
Remember how I felt in the dream, at that moment. I ask him about the stuff we had planned, and thats when I realize the timeperspective of the dream is now. Me and Dag are going to share a home by the end of this month, we have planned, IRL now, the renovations and what to put where, it's been a big part of the day these past weeks.
I ask him about the apartment and he sighs and says he just finished the floors that I wanted, but theres alot of work, but that we have a home. And I ask to go and see it with him, he smiles yet again and says: Ofcourse.

After that I woke up, feeling .. well lots of things, I grab my phone and I text to Dag, telling him I love him and just that.
As been said, my dreams are never like this, thought i ought to write it down and the blog was the first thing that poped in this tired, still halfasleep young woman.
And lol, you just read one of my dreams.

A little bit of this, and a little bit of ...

2009-03-25T21:01:00.003+01:00

Everyone that knows me, knows that I'm not a big fan of swedish hip hop, but recently I've come to eat up those words. Today I heard a song made by Josefines x and his friends, they have made a song about Josefine, quite rough and evil but still, the lyrics and beats ware just so kickass that I've been walking around and singing this song all afternoon, with Josefine laughing beside me ofcourse. I've been slacking with Swedish culture, going on a Sweden tour this summer (amongst other things) and I hope to really suck in the culture in all forms. Never really left Skåne (Southest district) and that's so bad in my eyes. I live in this country, born and raised, truly swedish, and I've never been to the capital.
Oh well, kinda tired, going to watch Zeitgeist I think, or any one the other 8 documentrys on my laptop .. hmm, how to pick?

Yeeeees.

2009-03-24T16:47:00.002+01:00

I can feel it creeping up on me again, the stress, the constant battle.
For about 1½ years I was on a break, and now that I'm back in the game I can't say I feel stronger or more confident. After the libaration I went beserc, with money, desitions, myself, I made some bad calls. Now, when I grasp upon what I have in my lap and on the road ahead, I feel the same stress and pressure I felt 2 years ago.
The bad calls I made involved mostly money, I've been broke before, but now that I have a steady income every month, it hurts throwing away money on shit I bought. I'm going to try and fix it, but it's not going to be easy.
Luckily, I have a boyfriend which I have a strong relationship with, that has on so little time already been thru so much, he stood by me when I went beserc. Don't even know how to explain the beserc part, but many, many bad choices, that hurted alot of people. And now we are actually, even gone that far to looking at apartments together, for once I'm not a bystander, I have a say in everything.
I have a good friend, that's much like me, that slows me down when I rush, that put's me on the ground with my own two feet. That helps me relax, be myself, have fun and just go with the flow.
I have a solid family, that helps me thru the worst of times, everyone knows how I feel towards my family, the strong bond that never breaks even If they piss me off sometimes.

I still miss alot of the chill, but this have made me appreciate chilltime so much more, a hot bath or a good cup of thé and a good movie, oh dear god give me friday now!

Blahflagh

2009-03-15T23:07:00.002+01:00

Seriously, this is insane.
That man can't expect me to walk around high as a kite everyday,
I'm a walking haze, and the stuff don't even work that well.

Tomorrows going to be fun atleast!
Going with my mom to Denmark for her big, kickass jobinterview. I'm glad to be her support even if it means waiting for her for hours, think I'm going to bring with me my computer just for the heck of it, either that or a book, or both.

Life goes on. Nothing stands in my way really and it feels good actually. Feels like my plan is going to work out just fine. Tomorrow starts the application day for collage and have a few options in my mind, but I really want to stay in Malmö for now and go the programe I have in mind.

My zeitgeistmission is still at bay, I'm working on it.
Still gonna kickass, so excited I'm bursting with ideas.
5 min talk just isnt enought for what I want to say.

Oh, and Hi Johanna!
Start writting a blogg slacker!
<3

Eh eh

2009-03-11T23:12:00.002+01:00

I'm going to need surgery,
and untill that day comes,
he got me on morfin for the pain.
I'm fucking out of reach.

Letting go maybe?

2009-03-10T10:41:00.002+01:00

2009 turns out to be quite .. odd. Atleast the start.
As always I tend to think back to the past, about people that come and go. Going thru facebook, seeing old friends, really old friends, and people that dont even want to be friends on facebook for what happend in the past.
Recently it's been about a certain someone that I miss, and yet dont miss.
I kinda wrote a list in my head, and the stuff I miss is like the incredible sex, listening to you talk, seeing you grow. I miss the kittens, no one gets it when I say the Lycans should be small kittens instead, no one see's what we saw. I really miss the kittens. I don't miss the rush, the feeling of being alone, the hunt for love and a thank you, beeing portrayed as a ideal couple, the pressure of meeting up to you, the unknown future and not knowing what you wanted. And you ware always right, I hated it. But you ware so smart and when you shined, you truly shined. I miss being the one you told everything to, I dont miss feeling like you never spoke to me. Overall I appreciate the fact that I can say that I once knew you. Even if you wont give me my stuff and pictures back, kinda pisses me.
And I was'nt broken when I started the journey with you, I got broken in the mean time, not because of you thou.
I got something good now, dont know where it's going, but I have total freedome to do what I wish, he shows me love and devotion, he fights with me, he let's me know he see's the hard work I'm doing. And lord knows I'm fucking pushing limits right now, I'm so afraid to get burned out again but that's another story. I've never seen or felt the amount of efford of making sure and truly busting their ass to make another human beeing feel good, feel apreciated and feel love.
But everyone got their downs, things I rather not see. As you go thru the process of getting to know a person, when the high is over, and you see the person, what do you see?
As a finisher for what's been said, can't change the past.

As known, I go to school this semester, a highschool thing before the university, and I study a various things, amongs those things I have the honour of studying Rhetoric and it's the art of speeking, what Obama rocks at.
And in this class we are suppost to write three speeches, one emotional, one informative and last a argumental. The emotional was done a couple weeks ago, I wrote about the day I found out I had diabetes, almost stood there and cried infront of 15 people.
The next one is the informative one, and I got such a good plan, I hope everyone that reads this has seen Zeitgeist, I know I have, like 10 times. And what this movie informs it's viewers is what I'm going to inform my class. It's going to be so kickass.

Right now I'm going to continue doing my Biology, just waiting out the time until the clock is 15.15, then comes the verdict on what's going to happen to my wrist, if I need surgery or not.
I just don't want the pain anymore.

Wish me luck, and think of me then.

It's been a while

2009-02-01T23:26:00.002+01:00

My dad asked me the other day if I'd ever heard about Obama before he started to run for president, and I replyed that I had'nt really done that. Then he explained to me that he had heard a interesting theory about just why a black president came right out of the blue.
We discussed USA position finacialy, politicly, yeah well, in every angle there was (we had at it for hours), and the headline became "A fucked country, oh dear god, may somebody please have mercy". The theory he had heard was about how Obama was put there to ease the worried people, to give the united states of america something else to think about beside how shitty they have it. Even thou Obama did the speeches about his past, the interviews, you havent really heard anything about him.
It's a interesting theory. Not necessery agreeing with him, just a interesting discussion between a father and daughter.

hehey! I bought myself a laptop, had to work my ass for it, but its mine and i deserve it. Its a hp, its got exactly what I need for school and the near universitystudies. Soo, just wanted to mention that.

hehey! I have for the first time in my life broken a bone. It was a stupid thing of me and now I feel the punishment for it because it hurts more than you could imagen. Me and my boyfriend had a überlovecuddly-weekend in copenhagen and we found this irishpub with loads of good and fun people ... and loads of beer. Well, anyhow, walking home, over the street and I just fall. Straight forward hitting the ground with my hands and knees. So now, I have a skyblue ( yeey, himmelsblå, faithful to my football team) plaster over my right arm and purple knees. Besides that it was a wonderful weekend.

Besides that and everything, lifes good, very emotional and adventures.
Prickens doing fine, a tad to crazy atm, mewing to everything and nothing, but you can never find a better kittn then that.

Feel like I should write a 20 page update on everything, I have so many ideas,

"and such sights to show you..."

I'll be back in december.

2008-12-17T10:26:00.002+01:00

Maaan these past days have been alot.
Last monday I got a phonecall from Academic work saying; We got work for you!. I get happy and excited, start to ask alot of questions nstuff.
The work was for one of the coolest companys ever, Tele2, and it was for 5 days with goooood pay. And it started 2 days after he called me, so things got a little hectic and I didnt have time to hesitate.
I did those 5 days without calling in sick or skipping out like I consider and do when it gets to much, so proud of myself.
The work was really fun, had to hand out freestuff from Tele2 and really make people happy bout it.
It was me and two other girls there, Maya and Tina, they ware so much fun the days flew by, with conversations about culture, politics, travling, you name it we talked bout it. Malmö is really a fun city with good people, well good and bad, and a hole lot of more danish people than you would imagen.
It was a flirty job, but fun, got like 3 guys numbers just like that on a piece of paper, I laughed so hard, always with the flirting.
Even if the work was fun, it hardly was easy, I don't know how many times we walked thru the city, the centre, good exercise but 8hs a day of walking thru the same thing, its tough.
One day we visited Lund, craptown with crappeople, stuckup and rude.
But the working part is over, I've just finished downloading my House from last week since I havnt got the chance to see it, it has been lonely without the weekly dose of House. Ah, and my wow, my sweet sweet wow, Im never going to leave you again.
Oh! Have to say that I went to Copenhagen last saturday, it was a long time ago I was in there and I had forgot how beautiful it is, still remember every street I ever walked, but we didnt explore much, just went thru Ströget and dreaming, talking and waiting for the day we get money so we can shop til we drop in there :)
Thats it for now, leave.

Remember, remember ..

2008-12-05T01:10:00.002+01:00

Ever think you could see right thru people?
See them for what they really are, see their true meaning behind the words they write and say. I wonder if they see how fake it really is, how the words build a sentence of pure desperation and unbeliable behavior.
If you push anyone into a corner, don't it all go back to basics? It means that norms, rules, ethics and morale flees faster than light on the time of dawn. Become animals and instinct, fear rules it all.
It can make the nicest girl turn into a creature of the night,
it can make the sweetest, most innocent boy turn into a lier, a killer.

Bleh, some drunkthinking maybe, or maybe not.

2008-11-29T22:17:00.003+01:00

December is around the corner, its getting colder by the minute.
In all its coldness, I see the true colours of those who wish to share their heat.
A glass of wine has changed taste, a snowflake falling has changed its shape, christmas has a new glow. Details appear everywhere and nowhere, laughter has changed colour, movies have a new scent.
I am stronger than what I thought, the reflection in the mirror is changing by the day, I'm starting to see the beauty I once was.
A email and I was back to old thinking, a email and I felt numb.
I was loved enough to be set free and I will no matter what, be grateful. After rain comes sunshine, I can feel its heat and see the start of light. But its true you know, you dont know what you had until you lost it, whether its your selfasteem, a way of thinking, yourself, a boyfriend, a friend, your looks, your charm, what you are.
I feel free, and I feel love. And like I told Dag, I don't regret anything.

I slightly died of laughter

2008-11-24T12:32:00.001+01:00

My bro send me some swedish crap - Caramell dance - I've never heard it before and it was really lame, but we laughed and enjoyed it! So Ofcourse I looked at the "Simular videoclips" and this one made it epic

Dont fucking bother.

2008-11-21T11:20:00.004+01:00

The amount of stupidity, childish and drama is so uncomprehendable. I was asked to leave you alone, and I was damn happy doing it, but Im not gonna sit by while you trash me. I'm worth more. I have sooo much to inform people of what really got down, and I'm so freakin pissed right now I just might. When it comes down to it, people are so fake, such liers, and they never show their true colour. Thought things would be different this time.
I hope youre really freakin happy, I really do, you deserve it, but leave me the fuck alone then.
You know how I fought for getting my stuff back, right now, I couldnt give a fuck, that how much I dont want you in my life. Its worth shit. And thats my whole life on your computer.
Fuck can I say things, and do things that will make you suffer, and its so tempting because youre pissing me off. Atleast be true to yourself.

tardlubb - alright, inside joke Im sorry

2008-11-19T11:12:00.002+01:00

Just had a long talk with someone I really miss, think he should get his ass here now. And yeah, I know youre reading this, you tard. And share me your smokes. Dont 'Yes dear' me!

My days are filled with just beeing, existing on another level, thinking and feeling. And damn, does that feel nice. Just me, pure, 100% me. I do what I wish, I say what I want.
I've started to see people I'd never thought I'd meet again, Beccs, Josefin, its really amazing. How beautiful people change.
But I'm kinda scared, waiting for something to hit me, for something to make me sad. Know I can't see the future, but it can't be this good, I can't feel this good. But its not all me whos making this good, I have a new .. friend that is doing alot, really making me go out of my mind, making me smile all the damn time. Just wondering what rock he's been hiding under.

The apartment hunt is going quite well actually, and towards the fall I go back to the bench and even start working. These past 6 months has been a compleate mess. But next year, 2009, is going to be fucking great. Lots of fun and lots of what I want to do, and if all goes well, I might do those trips I always wanted to do, those I havnt told a soul about.
Ah we'll see, the one who lives will know.
Hf with whatever you are doing :>

oh! have to ask .. do you belive in soulmates? I'm starting to wonder.

Its over long before it ends

2008-11-12T13:17:00.002+01:00

Update.
Um, I dont know. I'm laughing, enjoying and smiling alot.
I'm doing more, exercising like a tard and doing things I never thought I'd do :>
Thing I really miss is wow. but its soon taken care of aswell!
Well, kthxbai, Karna came now.

This one just hurts right now.

2008-11-06T23:03:00.001+01:00

Actual physical pain.

.. maybe ok

2008-11-06T22:51:00.002+01:00

One day at the time, just one day at the time.
I tend to fill my days with everything, so I wont have to think that much, just want to breathe right now.
But today was hard, I had planned to go spend a day at the hospital but overslept and got fucked over. So I was stuck here doing nothing, just waiting the clock out. Luckely my friends saved me from that later on, but after thinking, and thinking, for like 3 hours straight, i just felt exhausted. Logging on msn to talk to people didnt help really either.
I put a smile on my face, but im so cold inside, only my best friend see it, and she looks me straight in the eyes, right thru my soul, she understands and she doesnt do anything, she smiles and just carrys on. Exactly what I need, dont try and give me your shoulder or say it will be fine. She's just awesome right now when I feel like the earths scum.
Lots of stuff I want to write down but I'm not going to, not now atleast.
Just informing peeps that I'm alive, and ..

A moment of thinking about something else then me.

2008-11-05T11:43:00.001+01:00

I actually cried about 1.10, compleatly insane. So beautiful.
Congrats Obama, do the change.

Dont forget me.

2008-11-03T10:39:00.004+01:00

I don't even know where to begin, right now I feel broken and lost and stupid. Was it a impulsive move from me? Was it right? People that love me told me that it is for the best, that it was a good move from my half. But breaking up with someone that hasnt done anything wrong, and still is the one you love, after 1½ year, just seems wierd, even in my eyes. But I need this, this weekend I got so scared, I felt so lost, I need to be alone. Ive had 2 strong relationships where I adapted to what the guy liked, and for every time I did that, I lost a piece of me. My mom and my best friend keep saying that they are proud of me, but the feelings I keep feeling now are just taring me apart. I miss him so much, and I love him so much. But I think I love me more, and how am I suppost to compleatly give myself to someone, my heart, if I dont even know what it beholds. I just need a few months, I think. I just hope I'm not going to be forgotten.

Edit:
No turning back now.
Even if I wish I could.
Things hurt too much right now, I didnt just break his heart, I broke my own. What good can seriously come out of that? How stupid can one be.

I haven't slept in centuries

2008-10-29T17:51:00.000+01:00

so long my misery
I don't need you
you've only caused me grief
forgive me if I fall asleep
I haven't slept in centuries

put me on a boat
leave my inhibitions at bay
my mind is spilling
but I haven't much to say
I was running through the canyons
pulse the echoes of your name
you were laughing at me like
the sun laughs at a flame
put me on a page in a book of beginnings
let me scroll me through old volumes of ancient teachings
let me reveal in all of these forgotten feelings
lay me with the wretched in the arms of my king

A little too much truth and a sip of enlightment

2008-10-24T12:10:00.004+02:00

Its like this.
I drive, I drive a long way, a long and hard way, and I see a tiny wall coming towards me, the wall grows bigger, and bigger, until fuckingBAM, and I hit it.
Even thou I've seen the wall miles away, I still hit it. People get hurt, unnecessary things are said, emotion runs over and logic just left the building.
I do this because .. I got no fucking idea. Maybe I seek excitement, to see if the person is really there, if he/she cares still. And maybe I'm just fucking out of my mind, do it because it lacks logic.
But lets take a second, why would someone start something completely without logic, without sense? To release emotion? To make the other person get x emotion? To feel alive? Maybe all of it? Wish people came with a manual. And a map.
I always tend to hit the walls, and instead of taking the car to the shop, I backup the car, maybe hit the wall once or twice again, and then turn around and go back. (I'm sorry to intervene but this is the fucking greatest example I've ever given, and I don't give alot.) Instead of going around the bloody wall.
As said, maybe I do it to see if I'm alive. I'm in a very strange place in life, which involves no money, lots of alcohol, lots of cigarettes, less time with Q, less time with my family and sleep. Yet I feel tired in my head for running around with different thoughts, no wonder things feel strange.
People are so surprised when I say I'm tired, they don't get that a unemployed, 19 year old girl gets tired, seriously how can they not? I'm fucking unemployed, broke! That should be the most stressful, tiredest time! It eats me and I can't do anything to speed up the process.
I'm tired of the drinking, I want a change in some things. Some things I really want to stay with me. Like Q. He's probably the one thing right now that makes any form of stability, security, love for me. Everything else is just chaos. And yet, the one thing I feel the most and best for, I try and screw up. I don't make life easier. But I'm going to try, I got some words today, just about 30mins ago, that i truly heard, that I didn't understand until now, somethings that I've thought ware wrong, ware so right. How could I've gotten it so wrong? How the hell did it come to me believing in this? Life is for the explorer, to the unstoppable, to the lovers. and the ones that never give up.

I scream at puppies

2008-10-21T08:18:00.001+02:00

I just .. don't want to tell you.

And what the headthing said.

To be continued.

Pretty please?

2008-10-04T09:21:00.002+02:00

Weeeeell, would you look at that?

I'm so tired I could smack someone.
Last time I was up this early was .. um .. can't really remember.
And yes this is early for my body, starting to think I'd do anything for money. Well, not anything, but you know what I mean.
Survival, pff, someone come give me what I need please?

Just wanting

2008-09-24T04:04:00.002+02:00

Out of shear boredom (serverns down) I've gone threw blogs, just to see what people really are writing about, and well, the boredom thing as well. The ones I've come across are my friends, my past, idiots, fools, dreamers and just nobody's. The ones that are fun are the ones who really write about nothing really, just blabber, thats where you can see what the person really is thinking about.
Some just link a bunch of You tube videos, yes, we have also seen them, oh really? Your linking them? I bet no one else have! You're so cool. Sigh.
And some are interesting, some write so passionate that you get touched by their words, never thought a blogg could make you shed a tear but yes, recently come across that as a truth.
Some write so wise, so good that you really think "wow, there are some brains left in the world".
Dont know what kind of a blogger I've been really, only been writing about myself, my thoughts and just, eh, foolish things really. But its helped allot, and guess thats why you write, to ease something, a emotion, a thought, anything.
I will never stop writing, and even if I don't write here as passionate as a dailyblogger, I have paper everywhere, I have thoughts that hasn't been completed yet.
I've written since I was a child, back then it was story's, my imagination ran wild, so much things that could happen! Kept some of it, even wrote some in English (I was a brainy child), noones ever seen them, doubt I will show them.
I've always taken pieces of a text, lyric, poem that I've liked and saved them. Always have and always will. Words that are like jumper cables to my brain, just love them.
As a child, when everyone else wanted to be a cop, or a doctor or something impressive, I wanted to be a writer.
I've always thought that you constantly evolve, mature, change, I still believe that. But as I sit here writing this I feel something I've felt before, something that's always been there. My love for writing will never fade, will never go away.
Words put together is so powerful, it creates something, something big, something that can't really be removed, think thats one of the parts of why I think its so fascinating.
The funny thing is, I wasn't really gonna write about this, don't know what I was gonna write about, but this is what has become of me just wanting to write.

Take away my sadness

2008-08-26T14:21:00.002+02:00

Rip.
You ware the first love, you will always be special, 12 years you've been there for me, thank you and may you find more happiness wherever you are.

A new area, a new age

2008-08-20T12:20:00.003+02:00

Sometimes I wonder why you're with me, why you're living with me.
I'm a train wreck in the morning, I've put you threw so much just by being so ignorant and such a fool. I've really tried my limits with you, I've really messed some things up so bad, I haven't left your side for a long time, and yet, you love me. Ive been stupid, I've been pushing you, I've been challenging you like too kittens over a bowl of milk. I've been childish and selfish. Every now and then without warning, I can be really mean towards you.
I'm a host of imperfection, but you see past all of that, you see potential.
I love you, I admire you, I think you will go far, further than anyone else, and I'll be right beside, supporting, loving and pating.
A new area, a new age.

Its all bullshit and its bad for you

2008-08-11T09:09:00.002+02:00

So I'm officially the suckiest blogger ever maybe.
Well, got my wow back, felt alone there for a while.
Q and I are putting ourselfs up for a 2room apartment <3.
And well, Pricken as well.
Ive started working, which is nice.
My family went on their first vacation without me, felt weird.
We have bought a coffeemaker and it is truly my best friend.

And atm I'm scared shyteless.
In about 1h and 45mins I'm gonna change my birth control, about 3 years ago I went and got a implant in my arm, said to last 3 years, then you go and take it out. Its a thing they stick in your arm! damdamdaaam. Anyway, there gonna take it out and put in a new one, but the scary part is that they have to cut me! aaaah!
Oh noes, wait! Abstinence is the best birthcontrol! My bad!

eh. right.
fucking is good for you.

Sigh

2008-07-11T15:04:00.001+02:00

Right now I feel so frustrated, so scared, so sad. I don't like being left in the dark.
I hate not knowing what's gonna happen.
Its just a game they say, but that doesn't change the hard work I put into it, the feelings, the struggle. If I lose that ...

I shine

2008-07-08T12:03:00.003+02:00

When I start my day depends on if I get driven or not. Lets say I was, I get up about 7, I get ready and try really hard to keep focus and not loose that spark I need to really go out the front door. I eat my sandwitch and I drink my tea. Quite often I look upon the blessing I have, his innocence while he lies there dreaming. I kiss him gently and remind myself of why I'm doing this.
At work about 5 to 8, I bliip myself in and go towards the office I'll spend the day in. A small hello to my coworkers, start the computer, run towards the kitchen for the coffe I think I need and return to sit down. If I'm lucky they will have something to do for me instantly, if not, I sit there. 9.30 is breakfast, usually sit 30 mins even thou we shouldnt. Then its back to the desk. 11.30 is lunch and 14.00 I'm off. The day goes fast at work, and when I leave I have this good feeling about myself.
I take the 33 buss, that goes all the way to Värnhem. But the 33 buss goes between and around the two disctricts I grew up in. The first rounds it didnt matter, but now I start remembering along the way. Both good and both bad. I am truly one of a kind, the way the world and my experience sculpted me, is truly uniqe. I remember all the bad choices I did, all the good ones. I remember rollerscating thru the houses to get to my father. I remember the neighbors. I remember the house Q and I lived in together without even knowing. I remember the betrails, the backstabing, the rapes. I remember the boys, I remember the good grades before falling to the ground. I remember fighting for myself. I remember being naive.
Theres so much I want people to know about me, so much people dont know. But then again, what does my past do to them? I am what I am today, even if they know it or not. Just feels good being able to let everything youve been thru go.
By the time I reach Värnhem, I've exploded so much memorys into myself that is runs out. By the time I get off that buss, the first step, and Its gone. I'm new again, and not traped in the past. I look up towards where my family live, knowing nobodys there, nobodys there anymore. My leaving changed it all. Sometimes I feel so evil and so vicius for leaving them without warning, too late to go back. They know I love them, I know they love me. No distance will ever take that away.
Then I wait for either 3 or 7 to come and rescue me, take me home. When I walk thru our frontdoor, and I see Q still lying there, still innocent, still so beautiful, I shine.
I know that what I do is worth it. I know that I am truly good. And now I understand true happiness, even when in misery.

I needed to write that.
Some other news, my wowaccount was hacked.
Yes, it was some punkassbitchfucktardidiot chinese farmer who hacked both mine and Qerubs account. My hunter, priest, bank, guildbank was compleatly striped. My priests pve gear, BT and from everywhere, was disenchanted (since I'm a enchanted woho -.-) Guess if I was happy getting to find out I couldnt logg in and for some reason I was ready on. I got so angry, and so sad it kinda scared me. Does this game mean so much to me?
After I looked at my damagecontroll, Q desided to look at his. And Q has a paladin he's played for 3 years, there more than gear in that, its memorys. I feelt bad for him. He had 4-5 lvl 70s with good gear, that was compleatly striped.
After that, this computer and Qs computer have never had that many protective software.

Other news. The other day was the first time I killed Illiden, that was fun. It was too easy thou, and got a little boring at the end. But it was fun. I've joined one of the top 4 alliance pveguilds on jaedenar. Me, Qerub and Idioteque, q joined with his druid thou. Its fun and I love pveing with them. And thats whats important. The guild is really fun aswell, they all tend to look after me, but since I'm one of the few girls in the guild I get to take a punch or two aswell.
Thats it for today.
Oh wait! Q and I got that TV large thing, and I love Jerry Springer. It kicks ass.

Eudai

PHAWO

2008-06-18T18:04:00.002+02:00

My graduation was so fun, I had a really good time, everyone was happy and I really enjoyed it. But thats reeeally over, its been alot the last couple of weeks so now I'm just gonna take it easy, game alot and cook really good food for me and Q. I'm also gonna try and get to see my friend who just came home from Mexico, but she's starting work soon aswell. I'm feeling good, calm, and just great. Season 4 starts in about a week and thats really what I'm looking forward to, Q and I are gonna pwn like noone else has pwnd before.
I keep thinking about how he feels and what he's going thru, hes lost alot recently. Lots of idiots are coming to show their true colour. There are certain rules you do not break, but suffer the consequences, thats all. I'm so angry, not for what has happend, but for Q. Well, its like my grandfather always says in his native toung thou, "The last moron isnt born yet".

And currently I'm going thru all 9 seasons of the X files, I grew up with it on the TV, but to young to truly appreciate it. Its really good, and looking forward to the movie later.
Oh well, that will do for now.

Bah, wait, no, maybe?

2008-06-11T10:39:00.002+02:00

So ... I got the job. Starting in 2 weeks, then my summer is over. I'm going to work 5 weeks, I'm going to work on my birthday, I'm gonna work all the weeks my mom has her vacation. Sounds like fun! I'm looking forward to it.
I'm so good, I'm so insanly good, I amaze myself sometimes, I'm one of the best.

Todays gonna be a bitch ..
bah, mom just called, she needs me. Have to write later, this studentparty isnt gonna fix itself you know. A slight sigh on this day. Qerub lies totaly innocent behind me, I just wanna crawl next to him, and lie there. He's so good. And lots of cheese ontop.

Desitions

2008-05-28T14:55:00.003+02:00

The interview today went great, the woman whos gonna be my contact is so cool and so great. She funny, positive and friendly, had the right attitude and gave me hope. The actual interview was awesome, I totaly kicked ass with my resume and she got blown away. After 20 mins she said I was a sure thing on sending to the client. So next week, I'm gonna meet the company I'll be working for. Its a summer thing, 5 weeks, 8-12, so its alright. Its kinda outside Malmoe so its gonna take me a while to get there, not sure the work is something for me but we'll see after next week when I've met them and seen the place.
Even if I dont go for this job, the woman said she could find me something else because of my resume and my skills was wanted. To hear that I'm wanted is so awesome, I wont be working a lameass job because I need the money, I will get experience where I need it and do what I wish to do. Somewhere along this road, I made a hell of a good desition!

Sooo..

2008-05-25T11:47:00.003+02:00

So..
The Phone House was fun to some point, the people that worked there was not my kind of people, but really, that shouldnt matter. The money was good, the work was too easy. For me to feel that I'm doing good, to make a good job, I need a challenge. I did not get that from TPH, so, luckely for me, a woman called me last friday night, and she wanted to talk to me about another job. It feels amazing and so encouraging to know that you are wanted on the market. This job is a hole new direction, still amongs economics, sell and business, all the stuff I want to do for the rest of my life. I've really found my way when it comes to work, its a relief not knowing youre one of those youngsters going on for years not really knowing what they want.

I do not go to school and I havnt been for some time now, I dont really feel bad about it since I know I wont be going out with total failure. I know it can all be fixed if I choose to go back to school. Everyone keeps telling me I'm gonna have a hard time doing that when I've gotten the taste for money. Well, first off, dont think I'm like everyone else, since I'm so clearly not.

The graduation, 12e june, if youre reading my blog it means you care, and if you care, you are granted the permission to come and see my graduation. It's gonna be fun, it's the last thing I'm doing at that school, and by the gods I'm gonna be stunning. Then off to a nice dinner with family, well, its as nice as it can be. My family is special, love them for it.

Q and I are kinda living together, been for some time now. But the recent too weeks we've had another one in this apartment. My beloved Pricken. He's been so cute and so adorable it has brought light in. That cat makes me so happy.

And Q and I are going strong. Yesterday I got to hear for the first time that I was loved from him. Love, that word, its so scary yet magnificent at the same time. Fool as I am, I didnt return the words until a few hours later, scared as I was. I've never heard it and belived it before.
My x didnt love me, he loved everything I did for him, he loved the situations, the company, the desitions. But when I head it from Q it was a hole new experience.

I do not love easily, but by far, he is the man who has done everything to keep me happy, he have had to put up with alot of crap from my part, and with that fact in it all, I really admire him for beeing as strong as he is.
I admire him for being who he is, for doing what he wants, for trying to achive his goals, he is truly a amazing man, and he is mine.

My family is doing great, I'm so proud of them. My mom is working her ass off asusual, nothing really new there. I look up to her very much for being so persistent, amazing watching someone do exactly what they want, the happiness.
My father is also happy, he has fallen inlove with his new job, you can tell. He really gives it his all and puts love into it. Too bad he has serious backproblems right now, he's lying in bed wishing to go to work, never seen that either tbh.
My babybrother is so strong right now, I look up to him aswell, he is the man who will change lives. His brave heart, his good will, he has taken a hole lot of beating because of it but his strength, his courage, its so truly pure. To mean well to everyone he meets, its so unique.
My family is strong, but we can be weak with each other, we are a unit of different opinions, different wills, and yet we keep together.
Wouldnt trade away them for anything in the world.

Eudai

How wonderful life is, now that your in my world

2008-04-23T06:42:00.003+02:00

If you want me in a complete love-mode just put on Moulin Rouge, I'll vanish tbh. I'm up alone and having that amazing movie on Qs computer while grinding. I just get so mesmerized, I get this huge feeling inside my chest, my body loves this movie. And Ewan McGregor singing is always a given plus, Nicole for that matter aswell. This movie is so charming and fun.

I've gotten a job, it wasnt as hard as I thought. It's insanly good money and I'm really looking forward to it. I now work at The Phone House :)

And I've come to realize I've never liked a boy as much as I do with you.

Eudai

Eudai

2008-04-10T10:59:00.004+02:00

"Your not the one to blame, I'm the one that pushed you away.."

Right now, I'm feeling so wierd, it feels like I'm fooling myself. I'm having this amazing time with my boyfriend, I'm so happy, yet when i think of what awaits me I turn sad. I know I can do this, 10 weeks, thats it, then I'm free. I'm gonna start working again.
I just .. just cant handle more of this. It was too much, and there are stuff I want more right now than school. I dont want to go down again, dont want to get depressed again, it took too much energy from me, from Q. Whats growling inside of me is that everyone was SO proud of that I was the only one in the family, hole family, the only grandchild that would go to Collage. And now, it feels like I've let them down. And that kinda hurts.

Me, myself and I

2008-03-30T16:03:00.003+02:00

I feel torn, the divine light that was there has gone away.
I thought I saw a breaf moment of good times, probably did, but now.
I feel so empty and hollow.
Really torn, confused and feeling so much.
I feel like I have no connection to the world what so ever, I'm stuck.
And I'm loosing the world I worked so hard to get.
I'm loosing quite alot right now, and its draining me.
I've taken all my belongings and left your space.
I've taken a step back to see what your next move is, and youre not making it. How am I suppost to translate that? How am I suppost to understand that? You say so much, you give me hope, and then you break me down.
I've had so much abuse in all my relationships, friends as boyfriends. Physical as mentaly. Beating after beating. To be honest, its a miracle I still have trust in people, I still feel people.
My last boyfriend, the x, who I loved over everything, I told him I would love him until I die and that will not go away. That was truly the one and only relationship I managed to break loose from, and yet, it feels. Specially since he contacts me with yet more promises, more push, I feel so strangled.
My new relationship, I manage to do what the x did to me, I strangle, I choke, and yet you stay. I give promises I intend to keep, I will not fall there, I am not that weak, I choose.
This is truly worth fighting for, he is so .. divine, so epic, so true. And yet.
I've had 3 bestfriends thru my life, 3 I've loved, 3 I did everything for. And all of them, left me. I gave my soul to them, shared, riped raw, striped myself for them. And they all threw me away. They used me and I let them, because THEY would feel better, THEY would get a better life. And they did. They are off on their path and they have found happiness.
Yet, I am still here. I know this will happen again. I give and they take.
My boyfriend is exactly the same. I'm not sure I'm happy about he also being a giver, but I guess I learn to take then, I have to, for the balance sake.
My world, as it is right now, is broken, is wrong, is depressing. Yet I've never felt so beautiful in my hole life. Myself, me, I, look really good, my appetite for pleasure has never been this hungry, not always satisfied but still.
I need change, I cant go around and be sad even if it sometimes is necessary. I need to evolve, need to change what I'm doing right now. I may need to leave this behind. To find a new start. And I wanna do it with you. Want to atleast. Never thought I would see you like I do today.
But youre far away from me, I'm far away from hope.
Thanks for my healing.
Even if I want it, I know it's impossible, I cant do it now. Responsibility, devotion, promises, they all linger in my mind.
I wish I could belive you, then I'll be alright.

Some update huh?
People that are close and yet far away, helps.
Lyff <3
Dont forget 8> egbert ^^

How am I suppost to breathe with no air?

2008-03-18T21:01:00.001+01:00

Are you scared?

2008-03-17T13:08:00.003+01:00

Riktigt roligt.
Jag har ätit något helt fel eller rört något fel, hela min axel har flammat ut rött och fått en allergisk reaktion, mysigt. Jag undrar vad dock, gör inte ont eller kliar inte, känsligt men still. Sexit.

Jag har kommit på en teori om varför allting gått så dåligt. Jag kanske bara är understimulerad. För att jag ska fungera bäst, liksom min mor, behöver vi har många bollar i luften och mycket att göra. Förhoppningsvis så ska det vara roligt och i mitt intresse också.
Så nu när jag slackat så mycket, vilket jag egentligen behövde, så har jag tappat det jag behöver för att kunna lyckas med mina projekt. Så nu har jag tappat sucken och ser verkligheten igen.
Jag tror ändå jag behövde denna smällen.
Jag ser på riktigt vad jag behöver, jag behöver en ny miljö, nya människor, en ny nivå och utmaningar.
Jag är så fast på andra i min ålders nivå, deras process och tankesätt. Jag är inte riktigt där, jag har varit där, så jag blir bara så amazed när de verkligen inte pratar om något vettigt över huvudtaget. För att kunna utvecklas har min far alltid sagt att man ska umgås med människor som är smartare än sig själv, han gjorde det och han är rätt lyckad imo.
Jag gör inte det. De "smarta" i min omgivning kan kunskap visst, men de kan inte använda den! De bara har den, utnyttjar inte den och det är så råvåldtäckt i mina ögon. De pratar inte om vad de kan, de har inga mål, de bara gör. Helt sanslöst vad jag bara blir arg i deras närvaro, maskiner.
Så jag är där i den miljön där jag ler när du tror du gjort något bra, skrattar åt dina skämt som inte är roliga, så DU mår bra.
Om 12 veckor är gymnasieperioden över. Jag vill plugga vidare, men är de samma människor, samma miljö som gymnasiet kommer jag fan lämna Sverige tidigare än vad jag trodde.
Min far preachar "Världen finns inte runt kvarteret", jag lovar dig, jag kommer INTE att stanna i Sverige hela mitt liv, jag KOMMER att påverka världen.
Sverige är inte enough för mig, grattis till dig om du trivs med det.
And baby. Atleast I have you by my side thru it all and what come may <3

Eudai

Update

2008-03-11T19:00:00.001+01:00

http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/v2/play.php?id=109994
My baby is creative haha ^^
<3

btw, got new imba phone.
purple one.
like me.
Lets see what this one can do.

Trembles

2008-03-11T03:28:00.002+01:00

I've just realized that when I'm in a heated conversation, my body trembles, it shivers.
Like its very cold, but when I touch myself I've never been warmer.
Cant belive this, my hole body shackes.
Is it excitement? Is it because I really care?
I think it is.
Flattering for the one I'm speaking wish I guess.

Hey Ayaka.
Wrote in english now ^^
<3

Mend my kneepain

2008-03-04T19:22:00.003+01:00

Dont ever get to blind, dont ever forget to see around,
you may miss the people that love you.
And before you know it, they will leave you.

Det är så mycket som strömmar genom mig just nu, så mycket förvirring.
Men så mycket lycka samtidigt.
Jag är så glad.
Så jävla glad.
Men herregud denna förvirringen ibland.
Leave me be.
Ah well, I keep smiling and feeling love.
Haha, oh yes tiny one, that I do.

Eudai out.

Så jävla trött på mitt projektarbete

2008-02-29T08:45:00.002+01:00

Allt jag vill just nu,
är att hålla om dig,
krama dig,
ha dig i min hand.
laga mat.
ta det lugnt.
ta en sak i taget.
vara med dig.
inte förlora dig till ditt misery.
jag undrar om jag får det.

Kärlek

2008-02-28T23:19:00.002+01:00

Nu har jag en sugande känsla i min bröstkorg, jag är yr, jag är blek.
Jag förstår inte riktigt.
Jag kämpar, jag anstränger mig, jag ändrar på mig.
Allt för er.
Men denna gången har det gått för långt för er, nu mår jag fysiskt ont.
Det går så snabbt, i tisdags mådde jag så otroligt bra, fuck vad det var bra,
det satt i tills idag, tills när jag kom hem igen.
Allt jag var vad glad, det blev inga GTs, jag ansträngde mig, det kändes bra.
Framgång! Precis som jag lovade! Du är viktig!
Men det märktes inte, det uppskattades inte.
Ditt egna misery fick dig att fastna i ditt eget.
Jag ville inte störa, bara sprida min glädje.
Men när jag kom hem idag, det var då valde ni att fucka up mig.
Då valde ni att prata.
Varför är ni inte bara ärliga? Raka? Är det så svårt?
Jag har sagt till er att det enda jag verkligen inte vill,
det är att bli tagen för givet. Men inte ens det klarade ni.
Jag blir besviken, förrvirrad.
Men förlora min faith gör jag aldrig,
jag ska kämpa, jag ska kämpa för er,
för det är ni värda trots små felsteg.
Jag är inte den som är den.
Viktiga är ni, kärlek har jag till er båda.

Kitten Soldier

2008-02-28T21:02:00.003+01:00

Det är helt sanslöst ibland alltså.
Jag gör verkligen allt för de jag bryr mig om, fan vad dum jag är.
Jag borde sluta.
Sluta bry mig.
Vara kall. Is.
Jag är för omtänksam och jag får lida för det.

Bah. Vem försöker jag lura.
Jag kommer inte kunna sluta.
Oavsett hur sårad jag blir, så är det värt det när dom mår bra.
Make me evil.

Tack Roy.
Du gjorde mer än vad du trodde ikväll.
Tack <3
Jag är här för dig med.

People do change

2008-02-27T10:19:00.003+01:00

It has just occurred to me, well not right now, but I have recently thought about it. People do change, peoples feelings change, thoughts change. Nothing is ever forever and that is true. What you go thru makes a difference and changes you, how you think in that exact moment makes a difference. The past make you who you are today, and what you do today changes tomorrow, I think that is so beutiful, it makes you in controll and thats something I personally seek in the choices and doings I do.
In my last relationship I lacked controll, but I stayed because of devotion and love. That changed me, still have the devotion and love part in me, but I keep the controll part a little more in centre now. But I've met a couple of people in my life that has taken to control part to far.
Sidenote: "In psychology-related slang, control freak is a derogatory term for a person who attempts to dictate how everything around them is done. In some cases, the control freak sees their constant intervention as beneficial or even necessary; this can be caused by feelings of superiority, believing that others are incapable of handling matters properly, or the fear that things will go wrong if they don't attend to every detail."
When I see people from my past, or people that I havnt meet in a while I always find it interesting. Maybe not always nice or fun, people could change into the worse. Meet those to, and heard the stories, pated the shoulders.
Ah well. Just some thougts right now. People around you do change, and you aswell, you outgrow people, you lose feelings, you gain feelings. Fact. I keep hearing the words "The definition of beeing crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting another result.", just another sidenot I guess.

Morgontimmarna

2008-02-26T05:40:00.003+01:00

Det är helt sanslöst vad jag tycker wow är kul.
Även om det kan vara tråkigt ibland, så är det alltid kul.
Nu när jag är hemma sitter jag vid fars mögdator i hallen, vilket innebär att alla är nyfikna på vad jag gör. Är jag inte för elak så förklar jag, men eftersom hormonerna flöder, brukar jag snäsa av dom. Skoj är det vilket som. Nya mål, nya prövningar, samtidigt som man kan bli helt uppjagad så kan det göra en så relaxad.
Idag var en jävligt bra dag, jag har haft så in i helvetes roligt att jag inte kunnat sluta, vilket tyvärr resulterat i att jag sitter här och klockan närmar sig sex. Trött är jag. Men att sova nu skulle väl bara göra saken värre!

Rehab

2008-02-24T19:16:00.003+01:00

Där är många förändringar som står i dörren, väntandes.
Jag vet inte om jag kommer kunna hantera dom.
Ena stunden är jag glad,
andra stunder .. mindre glad.
Förändringar har jag alltid sagt är bra, de ska uppskattas och de är nya, färska. Men vissa känns bara hemska, mörka, onyttiga. Allting har bra och dåliga sidor, men, det betyder inte att det ligger 50-50.
Denna helgen har varit dålig, riktigt dålig. Även om jag har varit glad, så har jag mått dåligt. Jag har inte sovit, jag har inte gjort det jag velat, jag har offrat, jag har känt. Helgen var bara början tydligen. Början på det nya, det som ska leda till det bättre har jag hört. Men vi får se, just nu är allting mög, och det kommer vara mög de närmsta dagarna, även om jag säger det är bra
Bah, guess I'm just the weakest when I should be the strongest right now.

OMGWTFLOLSTFUBBQ

2008-02-23T08:43:00.003+01:00

Helt sjukt.
Jag har inte sovit någonting alls.
Jag ser knappt vad jag skriver längre,
jag är så trött,
men måste vara uppe,
inte sova.
inte sova själv.
det är bra *klapfen*
youtube hjälper en lite
chemical brothers <3
in need of .. black coffee..
breakfast..
a furry cat to play with..
warmth .. because its fucking cooold here..
need...
company..
conversation..
soon..
soon..
wake up..
world get up..
I'm waiting for you..
and my god damn coffee..
need...
wow! wow gief!
stupid computer..
do as I say!
mhm...
m ow48aöitw toh4w3J625Ä
OPS.. i fell over the keyboard..
*klaapen klaapen*

Finnes: Lila kaat, liten och söt söker selskap (och ja SELskap), lek med mig? snälla, oh pleez zweet jebuz, plaaaay with meee, in the most raw, dirty, filthy way! plaaay with meee!
Want to be patted for hours, will purr as payment. purr alot.... and maybe trip over of all excitement, but its a risk I'm willing to take..

Shyy dont tell anyone ;)

2008-02-23T03:48:00.001+01:00

Touch my body 
Put me on the floor
Wrestle me around
Play with me some more
Touch my body 
Throw me on the bed 
I just wanna make you feel
Like you never did
Touch my body
Let me wrap my thighs
All around your waist
Just a little taste
Touch my body 
Know you love my curves
Come on and give me what I deserve

Hjälp

2008-02-22T22:07:00.003+01:00

Min andning har blivit intensivare,
tankarna rusar.
Varför vet jag inte varför?
Varför förstår jag inte varför?
Jag vill bara veta.

Jag är hos mina föräldrar nu,
de har ändrat mitt rum,
jag är välkommen när jag vill,
men de tycker inte jag bor här längre,
jag bor inte hos martin heller,
jag bara sover där.
Var är hem?
Jag vill inte skrämma någon,
eller förlora någon.
Home is where the heart is?

Min far ser genom mig,
det är helt otroligt.
Han förstår mig även om jag inte gör någonting,
jag blir så imponerad ibland.

Wow, small emotime engaged. Sorry about that.
Jag ville verkligen göra Kara idag.
Jag längtade efter thrillen ända ut i fingerspetsarna.
Men du är viktigare.
Ditt välmående är viktigare <3
still miss you.

*flashing with Men In Black device*
You shall be a fluffly bunny when you wake up from this,
and live on a bownsy cloud.
<3

We just dont care, lets make love

2008-02-16T21:28:00.000+01:00

Its funny how something can make you question everything.

Happy birthday mom,
you will always come first.
I love you so much.
<33

Night thoughts

2008-02-15T03:52:00.004+01:00

Jag har precis, bara randomly, gått genom min email. Läst gamla mail och allt vad det innebär.
Så har jag en mapp som heter "Viktigt", när jag väl kom till den var jag nog inte så förberedd. Mitt minne sviker mig ibland så jag hade helt glömt bort dessa mailen, det var mail från Martin från läänge sen. Iaf 07-06, vilket är rätt länge. Vi var noobs på varandra och testade oss fram, vi var så söta. Så självklart blev jag puttinutti när jag läste genom vad han hade skrivit till mig och kunde inte låta bli att vrida huvudet från datorn och se han sova med tecket i sin famn. I det ögonblicket har jag aldrig varit så kär i hela mitt liv. Jag kände sån djup känsla i min mage och tänkte på allt vi gjort för varandra, hur bra vi mår tillsammans. Det gör så mycket, det påverkar mig så mycket.
Även om jag går honom på nerverna ibland, tycks han hantera det bättre än någon annan. Även om jag inte ibland inser jag gått förlångt med mitt retandes, så tar han det och godtar min ursäkt som kommer kort därefter. Ibland tänker jag på hur långt vi kommit med varandra, det är så sjukt nice.

Förresten, glömt skriva det. Dingade 70 för 2 dagar sen, Q och jag hade då spelat 11 dagar då, det tog oss alltså 11 dagar att gå genom 70 lvlar, slå det. Jag har börjat pwna för att få mitt heta svarta gear och Q har lagt Quuish på sidan. Qerub har även lämnat Avatars för Unity, thats right Unity, so damn proud of him. Qerub ska pvea ett tag framåt <3 I hope you have real fun babe.

Thats about it for now.
Hope you all are well.
And had a great valentine :)

Movies

2008-02-13T11:05:00.002+01:00

Jag såg precis att de ska göra en remake av Alfred Hitchcock's 1963 thriller The Birds och den kommer ut någon gång 2009. En remake av denna filmen, med dagens fancy smancy teknologi, så tror jag att denna filmen kommer på så in i helvetes bra gjord and scary. Directorn är Martin Campbell, en so-so director. Men tror ändå det kommer bli bra. The writers till filmen är jag inte så vana vid, de skrev The exorcism of Emily Rose, vilket var insanly bra.
2009 kommer även Jurassic Park IV, vilket ska bli intressant och se vad de ska pull off där.

Livet är bra, ville bara kommentera det.
Fly - flyyyy awaaay

Today

2008-02-09T19:08:00.001+01:00

Ibland får man helt enkelt prioritera.
Nu kanske du har ett hum om hur mycket du betyder för mig.

ohmaijgauyd vad Haouse är så bäst.
i get all tingely.
you are saaw hawt.

Hero

2008-02-08T13:18:00.000+01:00

Det är egentligen inte många som jag riktigt ser upp till, många som jag verkligen kan tänka mig bli, tänka mig gå i deras fotspår till punkt och pricka. Jag tror inte man möter många sådana människor genom sitt liv, som har nått en sån nivå där man riktigt är truly imponerad.
Dock finns det nog många som tycker sina föräldrar är speciella, unika och riktigt bra. Det är väl ett måste, dom är ju ens föräldrar, överlag så blir det ändå att man tycker om dom bara för det.
Men min mamma är en sådan person jag verkligen blir imponerad av, en jag kan tänka mig bli. Karriärmässigt är hon så massivt stor och bra att det går inte att komma nära henne. Hennes metoder, kunskap är så imponerade att jag blir glad. Jag är så lycklig över det att hon är min mamma. Det är svårt för er att förstå vad hon har gjort rent karriärmässigt, det hade tagit mig en stund att förklara. Min mamma jobbar som key account manager, hon är en säljare och det rinner i hennes vener, ut i fingerspetsarna, hon är en säljare. Hon har slagit ner barriärer, hon har brytit rekord, hon har sålt som ingen annan har sålt med rätt metoder. Hon slår rätt varje gång och det är lika roligt att se henne lycklig över varje vunnit slag.
Det är så roligt att höra om vad hon gör, vad hon lyckas med för det är helt otroligt. Hon har fått kämpa för att komma ditt hon är, men hon har inte nått toppen än tror jag, det finns så mycket mer för henne att erövra. Min mamma står för vad som är rätt, hon vågar ta det steg som ingen tagit, det är nästan vackert att se henne arbeta.
Det sliter hårt på henne och tröttheten erövrar henne, men hon ger inte upp, hon ger inte vika. Hon är min hero.

Tired

2008-02-08T00:03:00.000+01:00

Jag är så trött på att folk letar efter drama, alltid sucktar efter kaos och en massa känslor. Vad hände med dom dagarna då man bara var lugn och tog en känsla i taget? Är dom förbi? Har vi bara kaos att se fram emot?

Jag är trött...

The divine light touches the life of the living

2008-02-05T12:59:00.000+01:00

I lay my naked body down on the cold floor
Stripped of everything
Exept the thoughts of abandon in my head
and the feeling of alone in my heart
Exhausted, frail, scared
I nearly loose hope
A bright light appears
So strong
So pure
So true
I stretch out my hand
The light goes stronger
I shield my eyes
And I finally touch something
It's warm
It's soft
I can feel it beating
Faster and faster
It's safe
He's not here to harm me
I close my eyes
And I stretch both my arms towards him
I can feel his chest
His neck
Without any doubt I hold on to him
My hands slides gently up his back
But wait, I feel something I never felt before
They go out from his back in a majestic way
Never before has something felt so soft
but yet so powerful..
It's a cherubim
It's a guardien

Imba

2008-02-04T12:34:00.000+01:00

Aldrig har jag varit så imponerad av en klasskamrat som idag.

Karin.

Min idol för dagen. Hon fullständigt körde över vår geografilärare, total pwnade honom. Hennes frågor var så korrekt ställda och bra att det var roligt att se geolärarens min när hon ställde dom. Och det roliga var hon hade rätt, men självklart fick hon ju inte ha det, så vår geolärare började babbla något bullshit. Fy fan vad det var roligt. Aldrig har en lärare blivit så pwnad.

Thumbs up girl, keep it up, geolektionerna kanske blir roligare!

I will never bow to your God

2008-01-28T09:42:00.001+01:00

Min skola är nog en utav de bitterljuva skolorna. Ibland gör de allting rätt, och ibland går allting verkligen kepp rätt åt fan. Jag undrar ifall alla gymnasieskolor har denna ljuva combon. Skärp er nu, sluta klydda ffs.
Men men, mindre än 5 månader kvar, 20 veckor, det skall man väl kunna stå ut med. Andra vackra saker kommer ju under den tiden.

Jag känner mig så glad hela tiden, euforisk, trots att jag kan vara jobbig och irriterad för en stund då och då. Det känns så annorlunda, det har alltid varit något som stått i vägen för total glädje så ofta som möjligt. Det gör mig lite paranoid, jag kommer på mig själv ibland väntandes efter något stort som ska drämma till mig. Men det gör det inte, inte än i vilket fall som helst. Antar att jag ska njuta istället, det gör jag också, så mycket och jag är så djupt tacksam.
Även om jag har lämnat ett hem av småkaos så klarar dom sig utan mig, jag har inte sovit en natt hemma på minst 2-3 månader, det har nog chockat dom lite men de vet om att jag är lycklig, där för dom och bara 5 min ifrån. Jag måste få lov att vara lite ego ibland, måste få vara där jag är som gladast.
Även om skolan delvis är oavklarad (Jag har 1 IG jag måste fixa, 4 prov jag måste göra, 1 projektarbete jag måste påbörja för att komma ikapp för mitt skolkande i höstas), så känns det bra. Jag har inte tappat något hopp, jag är fortfarande positivt inställd och känner att det kan fixa sig hur bra som helst.
Även om min diabetes är i uppror och går som en berg-o-dalbana, så ska jag fixa det. Jag har motivationen, stödet och redskapen för det. Det är bara det att jag prioriterat annat just nu vilket kanske inte är det smartaste för tittar man på det så utan en god hälsa kan jag inte köra 100% på annat.
Även om jag i princip inte kan gå ibland, har kronisk huvudvärk för ingen anledning. Jag måste fixa mina knän och mitt huvud, det kan inte gå runt så här. Jag lider ibland.

Jag tror denna positiva energin och glädjen mest kommer innefrån, jag har vågat. Men många människor har varit involverade i mitt välbefinnande de senaste månaderna, de 2 keypersons är Rebecca och Martin. Tänk vad två människor kan göra med en, bara från att vara den dom är. Heh, tårögd bara jag tänker på det. Jag har vågat ta av deras energi, deras kunskap, deras jag, för MITT välbefinnande. Tjejen som nästan blev utbränd och nedbruten för att hon konstant fokuserade på alla andras välbefinnande före hennes eget. Hela mitt liv har jag varit den alla kom till, den som de leechade av, den som de drog energi från, sökte råd. Konstigt nog så även om jag ser tillbaka på det så mådde jag nog rätt bra, även om jag nästan gick in i vägen. Det är ett stort steg för mig att kunna ha fokus på vad jag vill och hur jag mår. Jag har fortfarande en bit kvar av vägen dock, jag har inte lyckats hitta medelvägen än.
Men jag mår bra :)

On another note.
Jag såg Sweeney Todd igår har jag för mig det var, eller i lördags, kommer inte ihåg, wattevar.
Johnny Depps nya film, en Tim Burton film. Jag är en grov fan av Tim Burton, jag tycker hans sätt att göra film är ett speciellt sätt, ett bra sätt. Men denna filmen, var så, grovt konstig. Johnny Depp sjöng så det var plus där, aldrig hört han sjunga men hett var det. Men överlag, den filmen var bara wierd. Inte bra.. men ja.. inte dålig heller. Eller jo, mest dålig haha.
Se den, men ja, slösa inte pengar på bio, vänta med den.
Bara för att informera er.

Eudai out.

Eudai untz Quuish

2008-01-21T08:05:00.001+01:00

Ändå sedan lotro hade problem med sina inloggningsmöjligheter och det var omöjligt att spela det för 1 dag har jag spelat wow. Jag ville spela, lotro funkande inte så jag testade wow. Först testade jag en human mage, det var rätt skoj ändå. Men sen testade jag Draenei Hunter och fy vad jag blev förälskad, jag har aldrig spelat något roligare, än så länge. Sen blev jag förälskad i wow, det är mycket likt lotro, men det är helt annorlunda, mer massivare på något sett. Jag blev riktigt förvånad, det är riktigt skoj, jag förstår varför alla spelar det. Så nu har jag spelat min huntard i 4 dagar, är lvl 28 och kör powerlvling med Quuish. MatTant har valt att lvla en Druid vilket är en riktigt grym klass.

MatTant och jag firade 6 månader igår, fick en massa grattis så det var riktigt sött, jag blev glad.
Jag lagade thaiwok med kyckling som blev en riktig hit, riktigt gott blev det så stolt får man vara.
Varit så lycklig de senaste 6 månaderna babe, and there is more to come.

Headline

2008-01-18T05:18:00.000+01:00

I AAAAM BEOFULYIIII.
Yeah, now put on some clothes you raggidy ass.

Vi såg Beowulf igår hemma hos min föräldrar. Den filmen var inte en utav de bästa jag sett. Det positiva var Angelina som var het animerad, ett troll som var grymt bra gjord och en drake som var ännu bättre gjord. Thats about it, story sucked.

btw mår like heeeeell.
Har en feeling jag kommer bli grovt sjuk, men vi får se.
sjukt tråkigt vilket fall som helst, känner mig weak.
hm. thats about it.
OH! And my boo has started to play lotro with me.
I'm really enjoying it :)

toodles.

A little lol for this one

2008-01-17T16:37:00.001+01:00

Watch the line, quite funny :)
And did you get it? ;)

Good stuff

2008-01-14T15:20:00.000+01:00

Jag älskar, fullständigt älskar (och det är starkt då) att få samtal där man får höra från någon man bryr sig om att den personen tycker om en. Det gör en så bubbly, så glad. Blev helt mushi efteråt. Kanske fånigt, men uppskattar sånt.

Blev ingen skola idag för mig, mitt huvud gav uppror. Men det gjorde inte så mycket eftersom 2/3 lektioner var inställda, blir dock lite extra plugg idag. Har en massa prov tyvärr. Men nästa vecka är det lov :) sweet.

Såg första delen av den nya Terminator serien och ja, till en början så skrattade jag bara, det var så roligt upplagt, storyn var helt annorlunda och skoj! Tror jag ska följa den lite bara för att se vad som händer!

Men nu ser jag på Katt Williams för typ 4e gången, han är en så grymt rolig komiker att det blir helt otroligt!
Sen ikväll blir det en massa filmer :)

Healer

2008-01-11T16:53:00.000+01:00

Första veckan avklarad. Det har varit ansträngande och jag har mer att göra nästa vecka, även om jag har fler inställda lektioner, så de lektioner jag har består av prov. Men det är skola och den är där för att irritera en in i det sista. Studenten snart, jag längtar. Känns som om gymnasiet inte är en utmaning längre, bara en ansträngning.
Men men, 12 juni.

Imorse började dagen så otroligt bra.
Aldrig haft en pojkvän som fixar frukost till mig.
Helt otroligt vad man blir glad av sånt, jag iallafall.
Tack MatTant <3

Nej, nu ska jag hålla tankarna sysselsatta med lite lotro.
Även om fredag, runt denna tiden, är servern så packad.
Ännu värre om 1-2h, sjuk alltså.
Men jag har en healer att lvla det sista på :D
Inte faen långt kvar ;)

OMG

2008-01-07T13:17:00.001+01:00

OMG OMG OMG
Ser ni vad jag ser?
Den har fått ett releasedatum!
http://www.webhallen.com/prod.php?id=67358
OCH DET ÄR SNAAART!
FUCK YEAH!
Denna dagen blir bara bättre och bättre!

Heeeell no I wont stop smiling now! :D

Det kommer så äckligt sköna spel 2008 alltså;
Gods & Heroes, Marvel Universe Online (inget releasedatum än), Star Trek (4e kvartalet 2008).
Det är måsten för mig. Faen kommer bli fattig.
Sen är jag nyfiken på Pirates of the Caribbean Online, jag menar.. lite lol på det. Och nyfiken på Stargate Worlds. Fy faen vilket bra år.
Och för att inte tala om filmerna! Yeses. AVP2! Måste se den snart, redan haft premiär och allt. Narnia 2 (maybe lame, but childhood memories), Harry Potter, Hitman, Hellboy 2, The hulk, IRONMAN (!!), Sex and the City, Ice Age 3 (hahah), Scary Movie 5, Star Trek XI.

Ja, så nu vet ni var jag kommer vara om ni inte hittar mig :D

Leende

2008-01-07T12:12:00.000+01:00

Jag har precis avklarat första dagen av det sista halvåret.
Det var inte så svårt eftersom första lektionen var geografi, man är the undead på Leifs lektioner, men skoj att han är så exalterad över det han pratar om, hade han inte varit det så hade det varit olidligt.
Sen håltimme som involverade sexsnack, kaffe och dålig Loka (fläder-citron, dont try it) med Beccs.
Sen en matematik lektion med lite ångest, bara snack och framför allt intensiva diskussioner med Beccs angående den närmsta framtiden, vad man ska välja efter gymnasiet, vilka vägar man ska ta. Det är så roligt att prata med henne om just det, för vi har samma grundmening men ser det på olika sätt, det gör det intressant.
Så nu kom jag hem igen, martin är soet som vanligt, och jag är bara så otroligt glad just nu.
Det känns som om jag är untouchable, oövervinnlig. Som om allt verkligen ska fixa sig. Det känns faktiskt som om jag är motiverad igen, jag behövde bara starta skolan igen.
Men detta var en dag, gud vet vad jag känner imorgon. Men oavsett vad jag känner imorgon, så är jag så glad just nu. Skolan kommer fixa sig, jag kommer söka in överallt, kanske lite ändrade planer om hur och var främst.
Men det fixar sig, sista anmälningsdagen är inte förän mars och april. Mars för Danmark, april för Sverige. Jag kan inte sluta le, så annorlunda känsla jag har inom mig nu, ren glädje.
Snart är gymnasiet över dock. Det är 23v kvar, kommer ihåg när det var 3 år kvar.

Haaha, faen vad jag är fånig, sluta nu le!

Truly blessed

2007-12-28T13:14:00.000+01:00

Jag har aldrig upplevt det jag upplevde igårnatt, det var extas på ny nivå.
Det var helt otroligt, jag totalt gav in.
Hela min kropp efteråt var i djup tacksamhet, från topp till tå.
Allt var precis vad jag behövde från början till slut.
Leken, jakten, att känna desperationen krypandes på min hud efter en, kanske två... och mer.
Och sen överraska mig efter det, helt, helt otroligt.
Du är otrolig.

Nej, nu ska det ske lite ärenden.
Så duktig är jag.
Snart nyår, aldrig känt mig så stressad.
Att bli 18 och få möjligheten att göra precis vad man vill,
den är inte alltid så nice.
Ibland är det skönt när någon kommer och säger så här ska du göra,
du följer med mig. Men jag antar att inte många gör så.

A bit to late but what the hell ;)

2007-12-27T19:01:00.001+01:00

I dont want to wait in vain

2007-12-26T15:55:00.000+01:00

Ibland undrar jag ifall jag är helt egoistiskt eller bara ibland.
Ibland undrar jag ifall jag är helt dum i huvudet eller bara ibland.
wtf Roxanne.

Jag har aldrig varit ute på mellandagsreans första dag, i hela mitt liv. Det är alltid en annan tradition som kommer imellan. Men i år fick jag faktiskt göra som jag ville, så jag valde att sätta den traditionen åt sidan och kolla ut mellandagsrean.
HEEEELL NO jag gör det igen.
Det är ren kalabalik, människor blir tillbakasatta 10 000tals år, folk blir vilda djur med ett mål och de gör vad som helst för att få tag på billiga och halvdana saker. Blinda av röda, gula blinkande REA skyltar stormar de genom vad som helst, bara för att få en pryl 50-100 kr billigare än förra veckan.
Jag åkte till mobilia, trodde det skulle vara bättre där. Vetifan vad jag tänkte med.
Tog 7an och åkte genom stan, såg tusentals människor vandrandes genom gågatan, bussarna var fullproppade med hopplösa idioter som gallskrek om de inte fick som de ville.
Sen kommer man upp till den gatan som leder till mobilia ni vet, efter korsningen. Och jag lovar, aldrig sett så många bilar tutandes och stillastående på meterlånga rader. Till och med parkeringen över gatan, den på sjukhussidan, var full! Och den är ALDRIG full!

Jag mår rätt bra nu faktiskt. Jag är at peace.
Julen är över, bara nyår som ska klydda ihop sig.
Jag halvbor hos Martin, det funkar bra tycker jag, han har inte huttat ut mig än iaf.
Får mycket me-time, vilket är skönt.
Får laga mat, vilket på någon konstig vänster ger mig en sån otrolig tillfredsställelse.
En small update. Mtc.

Dont dwell in the past - What's done is done

2007-12-23T14:24:00.001+01:00

Så lite ventilation ftw.
Jag har problem med att folk säger en sak men gör en helt annan. Tycker det är elakt.
Men, jag är inte den som är den. Orkar inte klaga. Blahblahblahlflagh.
Huvudvärk igen. But all good in wonderland :)

Nu ser jag på The Invasion, en aliencreppy film med Nicole Kidman. Den börjar bli riktigt creepy nu alltså, är ensam hemma också, mys! Halp? Getting scared?
Igår bev det tre filmer jag redan sett faktiskt; The last mimzy, Shakespear in love, The painted Viel.
Bra filmer alla tre, helt olika genres, så se dom.
Får se vad dagens filmer blir.
Vilket som så finns där Gifflar, där finns alltid Gifflar.
Me undz gifflos.

Julafton imorgon, kan inte bry mig mindre heller.
Ska bli mys att träffa morföräldrarna, that's it.
Sen juldagen, same thing all over again.
I'm so sick of it, I'm actually getting sad.

hey.. this movie is only getting better actually..
good storyline..

A pirates life for me

2007-12-22T14:16:00.000+01:00

Jag har precis varit en utav de sista minuten människorna som är ute och går i stan.
Trodde dock att jag var smart när jag valde att gå ut tidigt, runt en tolv. Men tji den, det var redan folk ute.
Efter 1h var det dubbel så mycket. Jag får grym panik utav för mycket folk i små utrymme, hade alla stått still och jag kunnat röra mig fritt hade det varit okey, men det kan man ju inte begära från de jul-sjuka människorna.
Så kom hem precis och kastade mig på sängen av ren panik, aldrig har jag uppskattat mattants säng mer.
Huvudvärk och illamående blev resultatet av lunchens trapatser.

Nu ser jag på Shakespear In love, den är så otroligt skön och bra, en riktig chickflick, men så uppskattad.
Funny how the show love thru this movie.
Like its insuperable, flawless, perfect and without trouble, pure.
This for them is true love, fighting for the one you love.
Love, right now the word means to much.
The past days has been hard on love.
Love has changed.
Fools have taken charge.
True men has gotten hurt.
Faith in love has vanished.

"Do you love her Will?
Like a sickness, and a cure at the same time."

Jag gillar faktumet att Barbossa är med i denna filmen,
som en mindless, poetloving nice man.
En stor förändring från Pirates.
But still,

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

Drink and the devil be done for the rest

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

Drink up me maties, drink up

A pirates life for me

The winter of 07 was the Year Rawksan lost her christmas spirit

2007-12-19T16:40:00.001+01:00

Mmm. Queen rules my day today,
I surrender to you,
I give in to you,
fill me,
show me pleasure

Jag tror jag helt och hållet har gett upp på julen. Tycker inte jag har en anledning till varför det skedde nu idag, men det kändes bara blä på julen idag. Saknar motivationen att göra det till något speciellt. Kanske blir annorlunda på julafton vad vet jag. Ska fira jul 3 dagar i rad förmodligen, såvidare jag inte själv säger stopp och nej, men då kommer puppy eyes fram och man ger sig. Tycker julen bara frambringar en massa problem, vem, var, när, hur, mat, presenter, pengar, vad? Inte nog med att man klyddar HUR man firar jul, så klyddar man VAR, VEM ska laga VAD? VEM vill ha VAD? Man klyddar om pengar, HUR har man egentligen råd? Man klyddar, man förlorar pengar. Fine, det är mysigt att familjen samlas och umgås, men egentligen, det beror på vad man har i sin familj? Jag kanske inte vill träffa alla. Rebecca och jag pratade rätt hårdt om detta. Vi har båda inga direkta småbarn i familjen, alla de nära är vuxna eller i allafall i vår ålder, vi tror inte på tomten, vi är inte kristna, vad är julen för oss?
Fuck christmas right now, I got a headache.
Dont want to travel to world just to celibrate christmas,
I dont want christmas food, I want dolmio pasta with meatballs,
dont need any presents, i got so much else
dont need to celibrate christmas, to see you uncle
but i'll do it for you and everybody else

Ska jag vara ärlig vill jag fira jul med vänner och kärlek.
En jul som innehåller skratt, mys, god mat, väldigt få presenter.
But looks like I'm not getting what I want for christmas.
No that would be awful.

The winter of 07 was the year Rawksan lost her christmas spirit

Woho

2007-12-17T15:51:00.000+01:00

Jag gör alltid sånt här.
Jag skjuter upp saker.
It sucks.
Why do I do that?
It brings me stress, so why the heeell do I want to bring that to me?
Men jag sitter med power mittns så jag ska bli klar, jag kommer bli klar, jag måste bli klar.
Bara 4 sidor kvar. Det är lugnt.
Sen ska jag belöna mig själv tycker jag.

BTW CSN har slutat sucka på min plånbok.
I get to buy people christmas gifts after all - woho.

Right now

2007-12-13T23:42:00.001+01:00

This.. is.. truly.. true..
And so how I would describe right now..

Should I complain?

2007-12-13T20:36:00.000+01:00

Good day.. nah.. great day!
Got to wake up to the bestest kittn ever, that was all purrin and stuff.
No school - lol. I fell asleep right after he left. Bad but still good.
Got to cleean - kept my mind happy and played music at the same time - euforia
Got to play a little LOTRO - found a new friend that was a lvl 50 hunter and very fun to talk to
Got to see Denice and Josefin again.
Got my second lussebulle of the year.
Got to hear beautiful songs.
Got to meet Karna <3
Got to be there for Beccs when she needed me

But still. Something is wrong.
I'm not the same. I have no attraction towards food anymore.
I can eat, no problem, I just dont feel I need to or want to.
On this hooole day, I have only eaten that one lussebulle.
Havent eaten for 26 hours. And I barly ate then.
A diabetic should have 5 meals a day.
I have none.
I dont feel less strong, I dont have känningar, I feel good.
Should I complain?

Just stuff kinda

2007-12-12T16:19:00.000+01:00

I'm really doing the best that I can right now.
I'm getting things straight.
I'm taking care of things.
I have the energy again.
One step at the time.
It's starting to feel good.
Please don't let me loose my focus.
I'm seeing stuff clearly, I think so atleast.
I'm feeling good and feeling positive.
Soon a break from school, and then only 6 more months to go.
It will go fast, but there's still much to do, much to catch up.
But I feel happy, I got it good.
Great friends, great boyfriend, great family.

Christmas has lost its charm for me this year.
I dont think its anything special yet.
Maybe it will change.
But I have gotten two presents already.
Probably the two greatest also.
LOTRO - can't thank you enough, it was truly great and something I wanted <3
Tickets to Johan Glans in mars - wow, were going to have a blast <3

Good

2007-12-11T13:34:00.000+01:00

OWH MAJ GAUD!
Fy fan vad det gick bra.
Det skulle vara DET provet denna terminen,
DET provet som skrämde alla,
DET provet som alla skulle slita och råplugga för.
OCH FY HEEELVETE VAD JAG RÅKNOLLA DETTA PROVET.
Fy vad jag är glad nu.
Riktigt glad.
Hemtentan vi fick efteråt också är verkligen ingenting, gjort på 1h garanterat.
Fy vad jag är duktig.
CSN get off my back.
Stop sucking my wallet.
Life is good.
Sooo goood.

Cravz

2007-12-10T16:46:00.000+01:00

omg... helt slut..
lotro..
it..
rocks..
need more..
but cant..
need to study...
neeeed to stuudy..
weak..
need to..
need...
LOTROOOO

Update

2007-12-10T09:15:00.000+01:00

Börjar att må lite illa nu, yr. Jag undrar vad som är påväg.
I am not getting sick. And that's that.

Ändrat lite utseende på bloggen. Black and white seemed so, not how I feel right now in life. Så tänkte lite mer färg and this is how it turned out.

On further notice, I want the strike in USA to be over so I can watch my frekkin shows! Its funny how you miss something you thought you didnt need that bad when you can't have it, lol I think of the kindergarden age. If the ball is right next to you and you dont play with it, you barly know it exists, and someone comes and takes it away from you, you suddenly want it so bad and you shout and scream. Oh well, I dont shout and scream, but pleeez giev me mein desperate housewives, family guy, simpsons, american dad, prisonbreek undz heeeeroes (<3)!
I neeedz it, I craavz it! Malk? Sombody got Malk? pleez, I need malk?

Write some more when I feel better.
Mmmhm.
KITTENIZE.

The world of the living

2007-12-04T15:23:00.000+01:00

Vart jag än går, så ser jag människor jag inte känner och i och med jag inte känner dem. Jag analyserar vad jag ser, hur de är klädda, detaljer, hur de rör sig och för första gången idag kände jag att jag krävde saker från dessa människorna. Jag krävde saker från människor jag inte kände. Jag krävde att de tar ansvar för vad de sysslar med, jag t.ex krävde att om den kvinnan nu ska handla de höga klackarna att hon kan gå i dem och handlar de för rätt orsak, om du nu ska ta med dina barn till affären ta då ansvar så de inte förstör. Rätt simpla saker om man tänker efter, gäller att ta ansvar blir väl rubriken. Kan jag kräva det av människor jag inte känner? Jag vet ju inte om de gör det eller inte överhuvudtaget. Kändes bara så konstigt och blev så förvånad att jag tänkte skriva ner det. Oh well.

- Я.x.N is Eudai - purplemushroomkaat säger (15:16):
brb, ska bara diska lita
» Rєвєccα säger (15:17):
LOL!
» Rєвєccα säger (15:17):
okejdå HOUSEWIFE !

tin tin tin kaaten går iväg.

- Я.x.N is Eudai - purplemushroomkaat säger (15:19):
ååå fy fan maten har börjat mögla
- Я.x.N is Eudai - purplemushroomkaat säger (15:19):
jag hatar sånt
- Я.x.N is Eudai - purplemushroomkaat säger (15:19):
skit nasty
- Я.x.N is Eudai - purplemushroomkaat säger (15:19):
klöks av sånt
» Rєвєccα säger (15:20):
Amen urk
» Rєвєccα säger (15:20):
df diskar man direkt .. AHAHA eller skaffar svart städhjälp
» Rєвєccα säger (15:20):
fråga Reinfeldt

Sen asgarvade vi grovt och kom fram till att Malmborgs Caroli City säljer gammal mat. fy dom.

Nej, nu blir det lite Mortal Combat :D
MORTAL COMBAT FTW BAAABY!

Hmm.

2007-12-03T14:04:00.000+01:00

Hi, do somebody want to do all the schoolwork I need to do right now?

damn..

*happy thoughts*

Ah, only 2 more weeks :D

Sometimes

2007-11-30T14:42:00.000+01:00

No one has ever tried to make me feel this good, and yet, my mind seems to fuck it up.
I say I seek the light, but I'm not sure. I wallow in the shadows, me, myself and I seem to adapt to the dark. Am I really that crazy? The definition of crazy is to do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result everytime.

I fought myself today.
And I won.
The questin you have to ask yourself now is,
was it the logical, light and love
or the sad, insecure dark?

Denice. You helped more than you know. <3
Beccs. You make my day, you make me bring out the knowledge within me I didnt even know I had. <33

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."
Unknown

2007-11-24T13:11:00.000+01:00

FUCK

Freedom of speech moddafakka.
Se dokumentären, riktigt bra.

"I disaprove of what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it"
Voltaire

My own

2007-11-20T18:17:00.000+01:00

Starting to think mattant was right, if you sleep too much, you sleep your way tired.
The past two days I've sleep 11h. I still feel tired.
But maybe it's not the fact that I've sleept too much that makes me tired,
maybe it's because I've been home.
Who knows.
I admire my parents strength, I would probably have lost it a long time ago.
Love can do anything. hmm. maybe.

People ask me why I'm not as much home anymore.
They don't know the half of it.
Don't ask me.
I have my reasons.
I'm just glad I have somewhere to run.
Somewhere to be happy.
But not right now.
Now I am alone.
Alone in a home fild with people.
The sound of it,
the taste of it on my lips,
it makes me shiver.
But not for long.

Reality

2007-11-18T16:13:00.000+01:00

I've recently come to think about realitys, and accepting realitys, and if my reality is what it should be. I mean, just because something does'nt make sence to you, or you dont accept the fact that it's happening, does'nt mean it's not real, and if it's not real it's meaningless.
So how do you know if it's real? If you are surtain of the fact that what you experience is real, how can anybody deny your reality then? It may be a fake one, but if you are surtain of it and not changeing your mind, it becomes your reality.
The term reality is in its widest sense includes everything that IS, whether or not it's observable or comprehensible.
Take schizophrenia for exampel that is:
"a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental illness characterized by impairments in the perception or expression of reality, most commonly manifesting as auditory hallucinations, paranoid or bizarre delusions or disorganized speech and thinking in the context of significant social or occupational dysfunction. "
We know they are fucked and what they see, what they know is not real. But it's their reality, it's what they know.
Care to comment? ah, come on. Give me something. Challenge my thinking, I neeeed it.

I'm in a state of mind where I'm fragile right now.
So.
Don't fuck me over.
I need you.

"Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces."

Sigmund Freud

Lets talk about sex baby

2007-11-12T17:56:00.000+01:00

Dagens ord är sex.
Breath it.
Smell it.
Taste it.
Feel it.
Talk about it.
That was my day.
Från det att jag somnade in lycklig inatt,
hela dagen,
sex sex sex.

KaatundzMizzRenault FTW

Choices

2007-11-06T13:49:00.000+01:00

Detta gjorde inte saken bättre.
Idag så har cybergymnasiets tredje ringare blivit tvingade att åka till Lunds universitet för att gå på information, först tänkte jag feting dissa det, men Beccs hade sin bil (sin nya bil, överfet) så följde ändå med. Vi behövde bara gå på introduktionen, men den var så kickass att jag ville gå på en redovisning från Ekonomihögskolan, och det var fan riktigt, äckligt intressant. Jag trodde jag var 100% säker på att TELmah var det jag skulle gå, men sen jag såg vad Lund har att erbjuda mig vet jag inte längre. Vi får se .. hmm .
Malmö - Teknik, ekonomi och ledarskap - Ekonomi och IT.
Lund - Civilekonomprogrammet - Analytisk inriktning
Holy crap. Hur ska man kunna välja?

"Your life is the sum result of all the choices you make, both consciously and unconsciously. If you can control the process of choosing, you can take control of alla aspects of your life. You can find freedom that comes from being in charge of yourself"
Robert F Bennett

god damn i love you <3

- Я.x.N is Eudai - challengethekaat säger (19:56):
delfiner är alltså dumma i huvudet
- Я.x.N is Eudai - challengethekaat säger (19:56):
De behöver tänka på att de ska andas?
»Rєвєccα säger (19:56):
HHAHAHAHA
»Rєвєccα säger (19:56):
ja dör!
- Я.x.N is Eudai - challengethekaat säger (19:56):
Så när dom sover, så sover dom först med ena hjärnhalvan!
»Rєвєccα säger (19:56):
men dom är söta?
- Я.x.N is Eudai - challengethekaat säger (19:56):
och sen den andra
- Я.x.N is Eudai - challengethekaat säger (19:56):
så det är okey då?
- Я.x.N is Eudai - challengethekaat säger (19:56):
för att dom är söta?!
»Rєвєccα säger (19:56):
HAHAHA ja
»Rєвєccα säger (19:57):
dumb but stupid
»Rєвєccα säger (19:57):
like us
»Rєвєccα säger (19:57):
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
»Rєвєccα säger (19:57):
OJ!
»Rєвєccα säger (19:57):
HAHAHAHA
»Rєвєccα säger (19:57):
dumb but qt
- Я.x.N is Eudai - challengethekaat säger (19:57):
vad är du för utseendefixerad kattunge?!
- Я.x.N is Eudai - challengethekaat säger (19:57):
hahahaha <3

'Why not?'

2007-11-01T11:39:00.000+01:00

1 november, wow time flyes.

Jag vaknade precis, jag lovar.
Jag tänkte skriva nu, medan min dröm är färsk,
de brukar ju ofta tyna bort ju mer tid som går.
Brukar inte förklara mina drömmar för oftast är de oförståliga och krångliga, med oerhörda detaljer och dialoger, sen brukar jag inte göra det för jag analyserar helvetet av dom.
Jag tror drömmar spelar en viktig del, därför värdesätter jag faktiskt dom.
Denna drömmen är lång så bare with it.

Min morfar hade dött i min dröm. (Mina morföräldrar bor i en lägenhet i Simrishamn, mittframför en stor kulle som Skanska nu håller på att riva. Den kullen har alltid varit där men nu ska det plötsligt vara lägenheter, fucking stupid, NEVER MIND)
Och min mor, min bror, min far, jag och för någon anledning min farmor var där.
Drömmen (vad jag kommer ihåg) började vid mina mörföräldras grusgång, vi gick över gatan och satte och i bilen, mor och far därframme, jag, alex och farmor därbak.
Min dröm stämmer rätt bra med verkligenheten, jag förklara detta as we go along the dream.
Min far hade fått en ny bil som vi satt i (Bilen kommer jag inte ihåg. Men igår pratade mor och far om att mor skulle få en tjänstebil, därav tror jag den nya bilen som far fick kom in i drömmen) och han var riktigt glad och kunde inte sluta prata om den.
När vi satt på plats så körde far upp den här kullen, och den är egentligen rätt brant, ställde bilen så vi hade ansikten på deras lägenhet och sa något i stil med "Ta en sista titt, vi går aldrig ditt mer" VILKET är rätt lustigt, varför berättar jag sen.
Sen körde vi ner och mot kyrkan, vägen ditt började som i Simrishamn, men sen blev det en variant av den vägen vi körde mot det bröllop vi var på i augusti, sen så hamnade vi på en stor grusparkering som låg bredvid kyrkan.
I bilen påväg typ 50m från parkeringen undrade jag i drömmen ifall det var opencasket, tänkte mer på det men kommer inte ihåg vad jag tänkte.
Vi steg ur bilen, så gick där förbi en gammal skolkamrat (som jag i princip aldrig kände, aldrig pratade med, Ellie tror jag hon hette, det var mer Karna och Louise som umgicks med henne) hon stirrade på mig med en konstig blick, kunde inte utlösa om den var arg eller inte.
Under tiden så gick där en massa människor mot kyrkan, totalt döda, alla i svart.
Sen i drömmen, tittade jag ner på vad jag hade, jag var helt svart och den enda i min familj som var svart, kläder som jag inte har egentligen, rätt snygga.
Efter det gick jag till min familj som stod vid bilen, så tittade jag på min familj.
Min far var hukad ner och grävde i en svart bag, min mor stod och klagade över att hon höll på att överplocka sina ögonbryn (hon gjorde alltså det på parkeringen), min bror gick runt och yrande (han gör det ibland irl too), han hade på sig en blå skjorta med en limegrön väst och jeans (han brukar ha sånt crap på sig ibland, inte så extremt som limegrön men ish).
Min farmor gick runt och klagade på allt (och det gör hon verkligen irl), sen gav min far mig ett mörknavyblått jävligt snyggt diadem och sa " Här Roxanne, du är så vacker att du måste ha den", min mor sa det var hennes men att jag kunde testa den om jag aktade mina hårnålar (wtf?) sen satte jag den på huvudet.

Det hade varit kul och se vad som hände här näst i drömmen, men tyvärr väcktes jag av ett anonymt samtal och jag skojar inte, personen sa allvarligt talat på den mest manliga kinesiskarösten någonsin:
"HELLÅ. Ajm cawling fram HONG KONG. Kaan yiou speka engelish wit meee?"
I don't do chinese men in the morning, så jag klickade honom. Men undra vad han ville mig.

Oh, glömde nästan. Den kommentaren min far la av om att vi aldrig skulle ditt igen var lustig eftersom min mormor inte är död, och fick en känla av att hon inte var det i drömmen heller, men lustigt att hon inte var med överhuvudtaget.
Glömde nämna det också att jag grät genom hela drömmen, och var den enda som gjorde det också.

"You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dreams things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?"
George Bernard Shaw